


Phantom of the Mind

by buzuki



Category: K-pop, Mamamoo
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Parental Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Schizophrenia, moonsun, psychiatrist!solar, psychologist!moonbyul, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-06-22 11:42:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15581208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buzuki/pseuds/buzuki
Summary: Kim Yongsun starts to doubt her abilities as a psychiatrist as she digs further into her newest patient, Psychologist Moon Byulyi.





	1. Foreword

Hello guys, gals and non-binary pals! We are back with another Moonsun fanfiction, this time revolved around psychology etc.

—TRIGGER WARNING—  
We want to warn that this ff has dark themes that might be triggering to some. There are a lot of mentions of heavy parental abuse, homophobia, mental disorders, mainly schizophrenia and hallucinations.   
We also wanted to say that, in this ff the last thing we aim to do is to romanticize mental disorders. If you feel like that’s where the story is going, please contact us and help us do better. 

Now, on a lighter note, you can find us on [twitter](https://twitter.com/buzukiff) and [patreon](https://www.patreon.com/buzuki) ;) Feel free to talk to us, we’re bored! :))

 

-formerly welldonedragon and fromhogwarts


	2. Nice Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, we're back with another story! we've already put trigger warnings and such but let me warn you guys once more, this fic deals with dark themes. to sum it up, byulyi has schizophrenia and yongsun is a psychiatrist. we tried to be as scientifically correct as possible but there are still probably some errors since our knowledge is limited to our research. so, feel free to correct us if you spot any mistakes please! :) secondly, we're not really fans of doctor/patient relationships -for the obvious reasons- so, this will be a slowburn. please be patient with us! 
> 
> enjoy!

_“Kang Junghee-sshi, nice to meet you. Our meeting happened at last. I must admit, meeting you and your company’s demands were a bit challenging.” Byulyi says, pretending to look over the young girl’s file while studying her distracted face and her nervous ticks. She is constantly circling her thumbs around each other, clutching the rest of her fingers so hard that their tips have turned pinkish-white._

_“I am sorry for… the special requests but we had to be quiet. Idols are quite the targets for everything they do and are, we don’t need to add ‘going nuts’ to the list.” She says, blushing as she looks down, ashamed of who she is and the feelings inside that are apparently choking the productivity out of her._

_“It’s alright. We all have our safe spaces and it is quite normal for you to ask your psychologist to help you build one.” Byulyi says, reassuring the anxious girl with a smile. She needs to be calm for her, she needs to be a map for the trainee girl in front of her that would guide her through the minefield of anxiety. “First of all, what I want you to do is to refrain from using words such as; nuts, crazy, insane, mad, lunatic, psycho etc. Words have great impact and the last thing we want to do is to undermine and ridicule ourselves when we are trying to make things better for the future. Can you try that?”_

_The timid girl nods her head, she looks convinced. “Will things be better?”_

_“Let’s hope and work for it.”_

 

Byulyi sighs as she revisits their first encounter back when she first opened her clinic, two years ago. She never knew when she first got that phone call from a manager in SM Entertainment, a lot of her problems would come waltzing in through her own office door.

Her eyes stay fixated outside, a few dirty spots on the window irritate her but not enough that she would actually do something about them. Besides, the purpose of her gaze is not to appreciate the view anyways, it is to avoid eye contact with her. She needs to be punished and this is the only way Byulyi can find the energy to do so.

She flinches when she feels a hand on her shoulder, although not enough to break her silent treatment.

“What are you thinking about, unnie?”

She doesn’t respond. They both know the answer and the fact that they both know it. Then she feels her chin on her head, both hands sneaking around her to meet just above her heart.

“Why don’t you talk to me unnie? You always say talking improves everything.”

Byulyi tries to swallow the lump in her throat, the thing that is always there, threatening to make her tear up a bit. She manages to force her mouth open. Her own voice sounds strange to her, too drowsy and her speech doesn't have its usual clarity or the feel of scientific accuracy, it’s filled to the brim with rambling.

“That was until I met you. You broke them. My usual rules. They were good rules. You ruined them but that’s okay. You made new ones which is always nice. I like nice. It’s good.” She says, not really opening her mouth to form the words to make herself understood. She knows that Junghee will understand her even if she can’t even make a sound. It is oddly comforting, knowing that someone would be there, always offering a hand, even if she didn't have what it takes to ask for it.

“I like nice too, I didn’t like some of your rules but I like nice. It’s nice.” She agrees over Byulyi’s head, weight of the younger pouring all over Byulyi. “You know what else I like? Those flowers over there. Let’s go see them up-close.”

Byulyi shakes her head vigorously. She knows Junghee’s game. She will make them get a permission to go outside and then she will leave Byulyi alone to go to her dance practice. Byulyi hates being alone. Byulyi hates it when Junghee dances far away from her. Byulyi hates it when she has to fill the silence herself.

“No. You’ll just leave again. I hate loneliness. I hate dancing. SM ruined it. You ran away. That wasn’t nice. We like nice, why did you do that?” She asks accusingly, turning her head slightly to throw Junghee off of her. The younger clings on tighter.

“No, unnie, you misunderstood. I really like that flower. Don’t you want to see those beautiful colors up close?” Junghee says rubbing circles on her collarbone with her index finger. “Those purples, pinks, reds and oranges. So beautiful. You should ask for permission.”

Byulyi shakes her head once again. She won’t fall for it. “I won’t. You will leave. I want company. I hate leaving. I hate outside. I hate dancing.”

Junghee pulls herself back harshly, her chin chafing her scalp. “You will.” Junghee says in a high, demanding voice. Byulyi prepares for impact.

“I won’t.” Her lips barely move.

“You will, unnie.”

“I will not. I don’t like flowers or colors. I like indoors. I like doors but not locked ones. I don’t like being alone. Don’t leave again. Please.”

Junghee pouts, forcing Byulyi to make eye contact with her by grabbing her chin. When Byulyi refuses to give in with another head shake, she sighs. Junghee reaches to her hand and grabs her thumb and index finger. Then she makes Byulyi pinch herself. Hard.

“You will. And you will then be able to stop. You won’t deserve this pain then, but you deserve it now. Don’t you unnie?”

Byulyi looks at her left arm, the skin just above her wrist is twisted between her cruel fingers, the pain creeping into her mind like a lion tamer. She feels the tears prick at her eyes, she can’t retract her fingers, not while Junghee is still watching. She can’t stop the punishment when she is there. That’s just shameful. She feels her skin change colors in agony.

“We can see those colors on the flowers, unnie. Seeing them on you makes me sad. But you won’t stop until you ask for permission. Right, unnie?”

Byulyi feels her cheeks get wet with the tears of physical pain, Junghee looks at her with a forlorn expression, slowly wiping away her tears.

“Ask to go outside unnie. Do as I say.”

Byulyi finally releases the abused skin and lets herself breathe again. Her fingers dig into the help button as Junghee kisses the bruised skin lightly.

Her nurse, a smiley guy named Hoseok, knocks on her door three times and opens the door slowly.

“Moon Byulyi-sshi. Did you ask for me?” He asks walking over to her with slow motions. She knows he is trying to be cautious in case he scares her off or triggers some kind of an attack. Byulyi thinks he’s sweet.

“Outside. I want to… Look at flowers. They are nice. I like nice.” She says, her voice sounding hoarse. She wants to convince Hoseok that she is stable enough to go outside.

“I see. I’ll ask the head nurse but if you take your daily pills, there is no reason to reject your wonderful idea.”  He says, his smile once again retiring to its permanent place on his lips. He walks out, closing the door after him, leaving them to each other once again.

“You did a great job, unnie. You spoke so well.” Junghee says caressing the purple skin above her wrist. “You shouldn’t swallow the pills though. They are not nice. We like nice, not them. Right?”

Byulyi mutters in agreement as Hoseok comes back with a small plastic cup that has a single pill. She knows its name by heart, Zyprexa. She doesn't like it. It’s not nice. Junghee leaves to dance far away when she takes them. Byulyi doesn’t like dancing. Byulyi likes nice and loneliness isn't nice.

“I can have Seroquel. Those are nice.” She says as she shakily takes the cup in her hands. Junghee is staring at her intensely, threatening to leave if she dares.

“You know for a fact, Dr. Moon Byulyi-sshi, that we can’t switch back to your old, ineffective medicine.” He says, waiting for her to take the pills. She doesn’t like the pills.

“I don’t want to be alone. I want… company. I like nice but pills are making her… leave. She dances, I don’t want it. I want nice. Give me back my Seroquel. Give me nice.”

Hoseok sighs and walks up to her, taking the cup off her hands. “Okay, I will give you what you want but today is an exception. Understood?” He says, taking a bottle out of his pocket. The label reads Seroquel. He empties Zyprexa back into his other pocket and puts another pill from the bottle in his hand to her cup.

Byulyi sighs in relief, Junghee smiles up at her, occasionally eyeing her nurse. Byulyi swallows the pills and drinks her water. She wants to go outside. She wants to see the flowers. They are nice.

Hoseok helps her settle in her chair, her legs are too weak to carry both her and Junghee and the little brat insists on a piggyback everytime Byulyi gets up on her feet.

Hoseok leads Byulyi and Junghee, who is perched on her lap like a curious dog, down the corridors to the beautiful garden. Byulyi smells the flowers, closes her eyes and enjoys the sun shining for her. She likes the sun. Sun is the nicest.

She feels the weight from her lap disappearing, she opens her eyes in confusion to find Junghee right in front of her with an angry look on her face.

“You said you wouldn’t take the pills.” She spits out, her cellphone clutched in her hand. The cracks on her screen deepens somehow.

“I didn’t. I took useless ones. They do no harm. They are nice.” Byulyi defends herself pathetically.

“Who are you talking to Byulyi-sshi?” Asks Hoseok, Byulyi ignores him. He can go back to only using his mouth for a smile and Byulyi would be much more grateful.

“He tricked you. He gave you Zyprexa again.” She says, pointing at him accusingly. “I can’t stand your stupidity! How can you fall for it? He is not nice, are you too dumb to see that? We like nice, not him.”

Junghee paces back and forth while Byulyi hardly processes the information. She drank the normal pills again. She failed Junghee. Her phone rings. Byulyi lifts her head up in alarm.

Junghee answers the phone, immediately looking scared and starts muttering apologies and reflexive bows. “I’m so sorry manager-nim. I will be right there. You are right. I’m sorry.”

Junghee hangs up and looks at her once again, shaking her head disapprovingly. “You better get smarter after I come back.”

 

Byulyi screams in agony. A groan leaves her mouth. Hoseok crouches down in front of her. “Are you okay, Byulyi-sshi? Do you want to go back inside?”

Byulyi shakes her head, tears rolling down her cheeks once again. “You lied. Lies aren’t nice. Be nice, Hoseok-sshi. Don’t hurt me. Junghee come back. I’m smart. I’m not dumb. Dumb is not nice. I like nice.”

Hoseok’s smile falters for a second before he speaks. “I’m sorry, Byulyi-sshi. I won’t hurt you. Hurting isn’t nice and I am nice. I will help you.” He says looking into her eyes with sympathy. “And you know who else is nice? The doctor who is going to be with you from now on. She is really nice. You’ll love her. Her name is Doctor Kim Yongsun. Even her name is nice. You want to meet her?”

Byulyi looks at him, really looking, not the trick she does with her eyes when she doesn't want to see. She is interested. Who is this nice person? And are they really nice? Byulyi will be the judge of that. She nods, letting him wheel her towards her room.

This Yongsun person better be nice.

Why did Junghee leave?

Byulyi hates dancing.

Byulyi hates the manager.

She likes nice.

Is Kim Yongsun nice?


	3. First of Many

Kim Yongsun straightens her white coat and looks at herself in the mirror. It always starts out like this. She gets up at an unreasonable early hour to get herself ready, it helps to have time to one’s self in a profession like hers. Her day started out great, she woke up at the same exact time she does every morning, pressed a few buttons on her coffee machine and had a quick, refreshing shower while her beverage got ready. After that, she sat in her living room, hair still wet and wrapped up in a towel, listening to one of her favorite records; La vie en rose.

She had closed her eyes, feeling the warmth radiating from her cup, letting the music fill her ears with its magic.

Sometimes she feels like she knows the artists as she lets her hand dance over her pile that is just shy of becoming a mountain of vinyls. Their presence soothes her heart, knowing that all of them contain art, a story waiting to be heard for the millionth time, helps her find motivation to listen to those who have been silenced by their own minds.

She shakes her head to collect the thoughts which have spilled all over her mind, she checks her hair in the mirror for the last time. All of the strands are gathered in a simple ponytail that has the sole purpose of looking friendly.

She walks over to her office’s door and sticks her head outside, her eyes search for a familiar figure. She sees her assistant coming her way with a few files occupying her hands. She holds her hand out to her, feeling the rough texture of the papers.

“When is our session? Did you speak to her caretaker yet?” Yongsun asks as she flips over the cover. Patients name sticks out to her one more time. Moon Byulyi. She has expectation for the individual who has such a special name and background.

She knows that treating a psychologist will be a unique experience. Yongsun wonders greatly about her mental state. Unlike other patients, she knows the field, she knows mental illnesses, so how much awareness does she have about herself?

1992\. A year younger than Yongsun yet her life already seems more than what Yongsun could handle.

Her file isn’t thick with medical notes or session records like other patients, apparently her sessions were never fruitful, her previous doctor prescribed her and accomplished to make her talk a bit but was transferred a week ago. That was the journey of the file between her fingers, that was the rode it took to get to her.

“Yes, I have, Dr.Kim. He said that you would have a better first session when she is under her medicine and that will be around 1 PM so I arranged it to an hour later.”

Yongsun nods, looking over the patients medicine details. She notes her previous drugs and the memo next to it that states their ineffectiveness.

The patient has a hard time constructing long and grammatically complex sentences. Her speech still makes sense but it also feels toddlerish and messy. Perhaps her academic background is responsible for her current speech pattern, it is not perfect but it’s still coherent.

Yongsun reads the previous psychiatrist’s notes once again, trying to grasp a baseline for her incoming session. Her previous doctor noted that sometimes she would talk but it would be either so quiet or she would not actually form the words with her lips correctly. This has lead him to deduce that she is not actually speaking to him, that her speech is not disturbed when she is meaning to talk to him but only when her eyes become unfocused. There was an imaginary person in the room with them but her doctor didn't gave details about them. Maybe he wasn’t able to get anything from the patient, or maybe it was in their personal journals even if that was an unprofessional thing to do.

Yongsun would start over anyways.

“Okay, that’s settled then. Can you pass me Lee Eunhee-sshi’s file?”

Hours began to pass by her, the busy flow of the hospital kept her occupied. She met with one of her regular patients, a housewife who turned herself up for having suicidal thoughts and was getting better by the day. She brought Yongsun flowers from her garden, which Yongsun is placing in a vase in her office as she hears her assistant knock.

“Dr. Kim? Dr. Moon Byulyi-sshi is here for her session.”

Yongsun finishes up her arrangement with the flowers and turns towards the door with a genuine smile. “Let her in.”

Yongsun walks towards to the door, greeting her patient for the first time. The woman in question comes forth in a wheelchair pushed by her caretaker, Jung Hoseok, and her mind seems to be somewhere else. It is obvious that Moon Byulyi has been a resident in the hospital for a long time but Yongsun can see that she does have a charm, a natural beauty radiating from her face which is clouded by confusion. There is a whole storm of emotions in her eyes, they seemed unfocused yet full of purpose. She seems a bit angry yet her slouch suggests that she can’t find the energy to express that. Her eyes dart across the room, never staying on anything for longer than a second. Finally she settles on a spot near the window, which is where Yongsun holds a part of her vinyl collection and a gramophone she inherited from her grandfather.

“Hello, Dr. Moon. I’m Dr. Kim Yongsun. I will be talking to you a few times a week from now on, alright?” Yongsun says, making sure to pronounce every word in a clear and understandable yet natural way. When she doesn’t get a response from the woman, she walks towards her chair, which is across from where Byulyi will be sitting.

“May I ask for you to get yourself comfortable in your chair?” Yongsun asks, mainly looking at Hoseok, who gets the message and helps Byulyi get off her wheelchair and settle on the cushions. The woman still doesn’t tear her eyes away from the records, maybe finding them interesting or maybe just got caught in a dot that just happened to be there. Yongsun hopes to get her attention.

“I see that you are a psychologist yourself. I don’t always get the pleasure of having such company.” Yongsun tries again. There is a sudden movement with the girl but not the way Yongsun hoped. She just rests her head in her hand, arm getting support from the arm of the chair. Her palm is directly over her ear in an awkward way. It almost seems as if she was talking to someone over the phone.

“Do you like my vinyl collection?” She tries once more, this time she gets a faint nod. Good, she is listening but is a bit less responsive than Yongsun hoped.

“They are really beautiful, aren’t they? Do you like music?”

Another nod.

“What kind? Maybe I have exactly what you want.”

No response. But her stare is gliding across the records now. She clears her throat silently and says something Yongsun can’t quite make out. This is probably the thing the other doctors noted.

“I couldn’t catch that. What did you say?”

No response, she isn’t paying attention to Yongsun. Her palm is still over her ear.

“Excuse me for interrupting your call but, can you introduce me to this friend you’re speaking with?”

Byulyi suddenly looks at her with wide eyes, her hand never leaving her ear and she leans back in her chair. She mumbles a few words again and lowers her hand.

“Junghee.”

“Is that your friend’s name?”

“Patient.”

Yongsun is surprised, she hadn’t expected the imaginary person to be a patient.

“Oh, I’m sorry to interrupt then, please continue.”

Byulyi shrugs. “Hung up already.”

“Then can I ask you some questions Byulyi-sshi?”

Byulyi is once again unresponsive but her eyes are on Yongsun’s now. It is quite unnerving actually.

Rest of their session continues like this, Yongsun is able to get a few more answers but Moon Byulyi still remains a mystery when the end of their session comes.

Just as Jung Hoseok escorts her out in her wheelchair, she stops him and turns her head towards Yongsun. Her words seem to force their way out of her but they are still heard clearly.

“I like Sinatra. I like the moon. Flying is nice.”

Yongsun is baffled but she manages to smile and nod. “We can listen to him in our next talk.”


	4. Notes of Dr. Kim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! hope you enjoy this chapter which, as the name indicates, consists of yongsun's private and official notes. next chapters will be in the usual text format :) thanks for reading!

**Official Journal - 14.04.2017**

It is my second meeting with the patient. As I mentioned in my previous note, she is not very keen on talking. I have established that she has an imaginary companion named Junghee and she is Moon Byulyi-sshi’s ‘patient’. The medicine we give her at the moment (Zyprexa) is proving to be semi-effective. As far as I could tell, after she takes the pill ‘Junghee’ is no longer with her, so her visual hallucinations are (temporarily) gone but she still talks to her on the phone, which means she’s still able to hear voices. I am not sure if she can see a phone in her hand or not but she is always calling her patient. I have used music in this session and it seemed to work positively. She apparently likes jazz and is more focused on the material world around her when the music plays. She refuses to talk about scientific or familial subjects, maybe the loss of her father had shook her to her core, I am just guessing. 

 

**Personal Journal - 14th of April, 2017**

My day was okay. It started out pretty tough, one of my patients, Lee Eunhee-sshi came to her session, crying her heart out and showing me her newly slashed wrists, I thought we were making progress but I guess I will have to admit her to the hospital until her current state passes. My heart broke for her today, she is such a strong, caring woman. Mind is really a piece of work. My other two patients are doing great. Their sessions went smoothly and Chaeyoung-sshi even smiled at me before leaving!

Now I feel like I will dedicate a paragraph to Moon Byulyi-sshi every time we have a session because she is just a fascinating case to me. Today we listened to Sinatra as she mentioned in our previous session. She really seemed to love it. She was even tapping her finger to the rhythm. I must admit, while it may not be professional, I really think that she is intriguing. Even though I know that no one else but me reads these pages, I feel like someone, somewhere is looking at me sternly and judgingly as they assume that I look at my patient in that way. And I say to that person, stop being ridiculous, I am just saying that she has an aura of mystery that not many possess. I am aware that she is my patient and would never do anything that would risk her, but I feel like I should be honest in my own journal. 

I am curious how time will affect Byulyi-sshi, me and her healing process.

  
  


**Official Journal - 21.04.2017**

Today, I had my fifth session with the patient. She is still not talking much. My theory about music helping really is true, even her eyes become more focused. But even with the music on, I couldn’t touch on anything personal. She just answered a few questions about her ‘patient’ and here they are;

She is young and beautiful. 

She has anxiety issues but I could not get the specifics. 

Her last name is Kang. 

Byulyi-sshi rarely answers with words of her own, so gathering information is rather difficult. 

 

**Personal Journal - 21st of April, 2017**

Today was so beautiful! Spring is the best thing life has to offer∽∽

My patients are doing great, Eunhee-sshi admitted to me today that the reason she cut herself was the argument she had with her husband. For such a private person, that was a huge step! It seems that I need to talk to the husband to make sure that he doesn't stand in the way of her mental health. 

Baekhyeon-sshi and Chaeyoung-sshi are progressing wonderfully with each passing day. Baekhyeon-sshi even styled his own hair today, he said he wanted to tidy up. I am forever proud. 

Moon Byulyi-sshi… She’s a handful, that I can say. She still isn’t talking much but I started to realize a few things about her. These might be my imagination running wild but hey, it doesn’t hurt to take notes. 

I think her psychologist side is what is keeping her intact. The fact that ‘Junghee’ is her patient says a lot. Her logic might be trying to justify all the things that are happening with clinging to a familiar subject; Psychology. It is somewhat ironic. I really hope I can help her get through this. She seems like a good person. 

Now that I remember, I should visit my mom, it has been a while. I bet my flowers have died by now. Maybe next weekend. 

 

**Official Journal - 15.05.2017**

I had my 15th session today. A bit of progress was made. I learned that this ‘Junghee’ is a trainee idol in some entertainment company. It is a bit oddly specific. I am currently investigating what that might say about Byulyi-sshi. According to her history, she had piano lessons for 10 years before she continued on her own. I am only assuming but being an artist might be her hidden desire. Only time and more sessions will tell. 

I have also adjusted the dosage of her medication, the details are in the file. I hope to fix the ‘phone calls’ with this. 

 

**Personal Journal - 15th of May, 2017**

Heat is starting to become stronger each passing day… I really don’t like summer that much. Sweating is a pain TT

Today was a special day; Eunhee-sshi got discharged and her husband seems to understand her all better now. Life already feels better.

Byulyi-sshi (I really feel like I can call her Byul-ah by now… I don’t know :/) is starting to open up for real. She even talked today, instead of her usual nods and headshakes. Apparently her patient is a trainee. It is weirdly specific. I bet myself that it was a dream of hers and probably family got in the way. That is me just blindly guessing, I still have no information on her family other than what is written in her file. We listened to some new stuff today. She was even more focused than usual. She looked surprised and smiled to me. And she said something that wasn’t really audible but I like to assume that she complimented my music taste. I wonder if I can give her something to listen to music in her room. I’ll have to ask around. 

I finally visited my mom, she was silent as usual. That’s okay, I talk enough for the both of us. 

I passed by my highschool on my way back, brings back so many memories∽∽∽ I wonder how Chaerin is doing? They say you never forget your first love and she really was a sweetheart. I might find her on Facebook. We’ll see.

 

**Official Journal - 29.05.2017**

Our 21st session just ended. I think we have made one of the biggest progresses today. I figured if I could trigger her academic side, maybe she would talk more and it did work. I pretended to consult her about a patient of mine and at first she didn’t say anything for a few minutes but when I was about to give up and change the subject she held her hand out and said; ‘Please give me a minute.’ And after that she gave me a short answer in approximately 2 minutes. Her sentence was unusually long and even though her grammar was off and her thoughts seemed to be messy, she still gave an academically correct answer. She still isn’t talking about her family nor her patient but I am happy to say that the phone calls have stopped, at least from what her caretaker told me. The dosage is seemed to be working.

 

**Personal Journal - 29th of May, 2017**

Heat wave has started, it is not pleasant as expected. 

I am happy to say that Eunhee-sshi is now reducing her weekly sessions to one session every two weeks. She says she feels like a whole new person. I am so proud. 

My personal life is as still as ever even though I hate to admit, my work is keeping me occupied and motivated enough. Now, if I go back to the subject of work…

Byul-ah is getting better by day. Honestly, her healing process has been my motivator for the last month. It is so amazing to see someone get their life together with the tiniest of steps. I shouldn’t say this but all throughout my week, the three sessions I have with her are the ones I look most forward to. 

I might be a bit biased…

By the way, one of the records I ordered from overseas is about to come so I am buzzing with excitement.

Ps. remember to take the new record to Byul-ah for a listen session. 

 

**Official Journal - 16.06.2017**

29th session has ended a few minutes ago. I feel like today was ordinary yet important. We are beginning to establish a good relationship. She recognizes me as a trusted face, we are able to hold short yet meaningful conversations. My method of using academic concepts seemed to be working. She asked about my patient herself and said; ‘I am curious.’ Her attention is rarely outside of our conversation but it still takes long for her to form sentences. They are still short but grammatically correct. I suspect the reason she is taking a long time is that she doesn’t want to sound incoherent and it takes a while to construct sentences because of that. Her vocabulary is still not what you would expect a person with a PhD to have but she tried to recall one of the longer words today. 

 

**Personal Journal - 16th of June, 2017**

Today is a mournful day for me. Eunhee-sshi was admitted to the emergency room, she attempted suicide and was on the edge of succeeding before her husband broke the door. I went to see her after her doctor said that she was stable. She refused to look me in the eye, I feel like I have failed her. I shouldn’t have reduced our sessions. 

After those news, my day was just exhausting at best. I feel like I’m not helping my patients. Baekhyeon-sshi stopped looking after himself again. What am I doing wrong? 

I’ll have to go over my notes and maybe try different methods… I am so tired…

At least I’ve made a bit of progress with Byul-ah. She asked me about the patient I made up for her, Jung Aemin-sshi. I told her that she was discharged and was coming to her sessions twice a week. She smiled genuinely, and said she was happy that my patient was healing. At times like these I wonder if she’s aware of her own situation. 

She’s still a mystery to me. 

I want to keep writing but exhaustion is perching on my shoulders TT I want to have a vacation∽∽

 

**Official Journal - 21.06.2017**

We had our 31st session with Moon Byulyi-sshi. Things are going smoothly yet without much progress. I am thinking about adjusting the dosage of her medicine. I suspect that she is still hearing voices even after taking her pill. Since it’s summer, she started wearing the short sleeved hospital gown. I noticed bruises all over her arms but when asked about, she just looked away and sighed. I’m suspecting some kind of a punishment from ‘Junghee’. We’ll see.

 

**Personal Journal - 21st of June, 2017**

What I feared was true. Eunhee-sshi is a victim of domestic abuse. I can’t believe she managed to lie to me during these months. I feel like such a failure. I reported her husband and he might go to prison. Apparently, he hospitalized her once before and made her lie to the doctors that it was a car crash. Disgusting human garbage. If possible, I will testify against him. 

Byul-ah came through with bad news omens as well. I am afraid she is hurting herself. There were bruises all over her arms. I have to find the reasoning for them. That reminds me, I talked with the head caretaker and she said that they can install a small speaker in her room and give the controller to Hoseok-sshi, her personal caretaker. I might give her my old IPod, I’m no longer using it and she needs it more than me. 

I’m going to Jeju this weekend, I finally managed to get a leave for two days. I will relax as much as possible ∽∽

 

**Official Journal - 14.07.2017**

I learned that the bruises on her arms were punishments from her patient, ‘Junghee’, as I suspected. I do not know why these punishments happen but I am looking into it. Giving Byulyi-sshi music in her room seems to work wonders. Her caretaker reported that she is talking to herself less and that she mainly lays down to listen to music. She also asked about my patient again, her academic side is intrigued as far as I can tell. I’m planning on giving her a few articles to test if she can read them, maybe if this is successful, I might give her articles about schizophrenia. 

 

**Personal Journal - 14th of July, 2017**

I got a court date for Eunhee-sshi’s abuser. I’m glad that I will be helping justice be executed. I suspect the sun will shine a bit brighter after he gets sentenced. 

Other than that Chaeyoung-sshi asked if she could return to school. I told her as soon as we’re sure that she will be okay outside, she will return. She’s such a cute girl, I wish I could heal her with the snap of my fingers. She deserves to be just a regular highschool student. 

Byul-ah is doing wonderfully, we chatted quite a bit today. She even used 4 medical terms that are not so easy to remember. Her speech is getting better. I wonder which articles should I give her… They have to be short, that is for certain. Oh, and today she thanked me for my IPod and something about ‘providing more silence’. Maybe the music is tuning ‘Junghee’ out. If so, go Beatles!

I ate my lunch with Dr.Min today, he seems like a nice person. We discussed some of our cases, without giving names, obviously. He apparently has an OCD patient who doesn’t clean her house because she is afraid to mess up its current shape. Really interesting. 

 

**Official Journal - 31.07.2017**

50th session went smoothly. She managed to finish the three articles I gave her. There were 15 pages in total. She is giving this her full attention. She even mentioned an article she read that has a counterpoint to one of the articles and asked if I have read it. I really want to pursue this method I’ve chosen but I’m afraid that it might provide her a way to neglect her problem. I’m trying to talk about her personal life more but she refuses to respond. I’ll have to try more. 

 

**Personal Journal - 31st of July, 2017**

I bought four brand new vinyl records and I feel like walking on sunshine. One of them will be a blind date of sorts. I’ve only heard one of their songs and thought, I can dig this. So exciting!!

Other than that the court date is getting closer, the feeling of justice in me is as strong as ever. Eunhee-sshi will have a good life from now on, if I can say anything about it. 

A new patient was assigned to me today, Park Insoo. When I decided to study psychiatry, I knew it wouldn’t be a walk in the park but sometimes even reading the patient history brings me to tears. He has one of the worst cases of PTSD I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t even convince him to look me in the eyes… I have hope, it was only our first session. He will come around and will be free of his past, I’m sure of it.

As for my usual Byul-ah update, I can only say that she has given me homework. She asked me if I’ve read an article similar to the one I gave her and I promised that I would read it until our next session. Talking with her sometimes feels like a therapy for me. She still won’t tell me anything personal. Even though that drives me crazy a bit, I think we will get there. 

 

**Official Journal - 11.08.2017**

55th session. 

The patient’s previously scrambled and child-like speech pattern keeps getting better with academic text readings. In today’s session, she even came prepared. When she read the article I gave her the previous session, a few questions came to her and she apparently asked her caretaker to take notes for her. I am certain that she is getting herself back, bit by bit. 

Also, Byulyi-sshi came to today’s session with a bit more neat look. Her caretaker reported that, even though she didn’t have the energy to do so, she asked him to comb and tie her hair. When she came in with the wheelchair, she got up from it herself and with what looked like an exhausting effort, managed to sit in her chair. 

Progress is being made.

 

**Personal Journal - 11st of August, 2017**

I was really impressed today. Byul-ah made effort to look nice and even though I know that it is really unprofessional of me to say this but… she is quite pretty. I know that our relationship is strictly professional, one has eyes you know...

I am honestly more and more proud of her each passing day. She got up from her wheelchair by herself today. I am determined to help her get her energy back enough to walk by herself! 

She asked several questions today and it has been a while since I’ve talked about psychology with someone and had this much fun. I now realize how sad and nerdy that sounds ._.

As for any other development in my life, I am still the loner who is only driven by her work… soo….

Baekhyeon-sshi got discharged today, I hope he never has to admit to the hospital again. I am looking forward to reading his books!

Ps. Remember to treat Dr.Min a coffee, for the night shift he volunteered to do for me. 

Ps. jr. I have suspicions of Dr.Min and the caretaker Jung Hoseok-sshi. I must tease Dr.Min about this. 

 

**Official Journal - 28.08.2017**

Byulyi-sshi’s caretaker and I have decided to have today’s session in the front garden in order to make Byulyi-sshi get some fresh air. Even though she came with her wheelchair, she was able to get up and walk a short distance alongside me. Also, we managed to discuss more academic papers. I tried to mention the topic of schizophrenia in one of the papers, however she seemed like she was trying to avoid the subject. She only carried on talking about the other aspects of the article. 

Other than that, she seems to be more mindful of her own appearance. She apparently asked if she could have a mirror in her room but due to security reasons, we had to decline her wishes. 

 

**Personal Journal - 28th of August, 2017**

I testified in the court today, jury seemed to be on our side. I am glad, that piece of shit deserves to rot away. 

Eunhee-sshi seemed really down in the court but that was expected. She still suffers from her delusional toxic love relationship. Those things are hard to move on from. 

Other than that, Chaeyoung-sshi was a lot better this week, her depression seems to be lessening. Being away from her aunt’s house really helped her. That ratched woman… 

Byul-ah seemed better today. We enjoyed a nice summer day outside and I got to see her healing arms. As far as I can tell, there are no newly formed bruises. Yay! 

She is avoiding talking about schizophrenia, I don’t know if it’s intentional or not but I hope that she is aware of her condition. Acceptance is the first step after all. 

I just came back from a coworkers dinner and I am a bit tipsy rn ∽∽ Yoongi-yah dragged me but I’m glad that he did. I had fun. 

I also teased him about Jung Hoseok and his entire face went red. Hilarious∽∽

He said he was going to set me up with someone but I’m not too hopeful :/ 

 

**Official Journal - 20.09.2017**

74th session.

 

The patient still refuses to talk about schizophrenia even as a medical term. This leads me to think that she is aware of what's going on but I am not sure. 

She still ignores every attempt I make to talk about personal things. She even turned sideways on her chair and stared outside for 15 minutes when asked her about what kind of relationship she had with her father. She is stubborn. 

We talked about Junghee a bit, she told me that they haven’t talked in a week. I thought that it meant that she was gone but she corrected herself saying that, she was mad with her for a reason and ignored her. I assume that the new bruises on her arms are a result of this tension between them. 

 

**Personal Journal - 20th of September, 2017**

Eunhee-sshi decided to move away from here to go back to her hometown. I am worried about her but I can’t not let her go. I am going to send her files over to the hospital there but I really want to keep in touch. Why am I so emotional? 

Insoo-sshi is making progress, a bit slower than what I would like but progress nonetheless. The other day I offered to shake his hand and even though he was trembling, he did take up my offer. He seems fine with his caretaker touching him so I’m guessing, he’s a bit cautious against women after all that happened. Can’t really blame him…

Byul-ah is fighting back against Junghee and I am really happy with this. Even if she can’t change the fact that she’s seeing things, she is trying to not let them affect her. Her bruises still worry me though. I caught glimpses of a few fresh ones on her upper arm and they look horrid :( She’s still avoiding to talk about her own condition, that sneaky girl. 

I came back from my blind date. He was a nice guy who Doctor Min set me up with, but I don’t know if I’ll see him again. We don’t have many shared interests…except women. And I’m really immersed in work right now too… Ah, I hope I don’t end up alone at 90. 

 

**Official Journal - 23.10.2017**

Byulyi-sshi managed to walk all by herself today in the garden despite the chilly autumn weather. I finally got to the bottom of why she can’t walk by herself. She told me that whenever she tried to walk, ‘Junghee’ jumped on her back, asking for a piggyback ride. This made Byulyi-sshi unable to walk even after the takes her medicine because she had argued that she was tired from carrying ‘Junghee’ all the time. I believe that this is what her logic came up with to find a reason for her lack of energy. We have at least one of our sessions outside each week for the last month, also I’ve noted that she goes out to the garden with her caretaker as well.

 

**Personal Journal - 23rd of October, 2017**

**  
** Joohyun came back!! For like 5 weeks but that’s still something.

I envy her so much∽∽ I should have studied photography as well… She recently went on a Europe tour that lasted, I think, about 5 months and she’s going to come by later tonight to show me her highlights, so exciting! I hope I’ll go to those places myself one day…

Insoo-sshi really upset me today. We went back 3 months on our progress. Apparently he was walking around in the garden alone and some patient’s relative touched his shoulder to ask for something. He immediately started shaking and had to be tied for his own safety. I feel terrible. 

Byul-ah is better I suppose, I finally understand how she legitimizes her lack of energy to walk by herself. Junghee apparently ‘hops on her back’ every time she stands up. 

...Logic is weird. 

 

**Official Journal - 6.12.2017**

The patient was really chatty today, shared a few personal life details, which never happened before. They are things that we knew but nonetheless it’s important that she shared. She talked about her past patients and how she treated them and she admitted to a few mistakes. I hope to get her to open up a lot more in the following months. Some more personal stuff may reveal what exactly triggered her schizophrenia. 

 

**Personal Journal - 6th of December, 2017**

Ahh, it’s starting to get colder and colder! But all things aside, it’s better than the unbearable summer heat, right? 

I still have a hard time communicating with Insoo-sshi but we’re recovering some of our process bit by bit. I wish I could’ve been more of a better help.

As for Chaeyoung-sshi, I’m glad to see that she’s getting better and better! It’s always fascinating to see a person get back on their feet. I can’t be not amazed no matter how many recovering patients I witness.

Now, I feel like I made a big progress about Byulyi-yah by making her talk about herself. I can see that she’s aware of her condition, and trying to recover. This willingness to get back on her feet is essential. While looking over her file, I noticed that her birthday is approaching. I wonder if it would help if I celebrated with her. I mean, being in a mental hospital might have affected her individuality. Celebrating a day that is special to her person might be good for her. Will think about it…

 

**Official Journal - 22.12.2017**

Today was… fruitful? I’ve observed the patient act more sociable. Today was her birthday so I’ve arranged a little celebration with the help of her caretaker and invited a few employees for a little crowd. I thought maybe being in an environment where she is the main event but not for something mental health related would be good for her. And I would say that I’m happy with the results. She had thanked me and the staff, even laughed at some of the jokes. Her attention was on the event. When her cake came she recognized that it was for her unprompted. She even shared an anecdote from her previous birthday and managed to struct the story without getting lost in thought. She was much more talkative. I look forward to our next session with the hopes of a more open patient. 

 

**Personal Journal - 22nd of December, 2017**

New Year’s is approaching… Even though the digits on the calendar will be different, why do I feel like everything will be the same? Maybe I need to find a new hobby. Or take a vacation?

Chaeyoung-sshi is discharged now. She still comes back for our sessions twice a week. She had told me that she’s attending school without problems now, and she had also made some friends. So, great news!

I have a new patient, named Lee Chiwon. He is a serious drug abuser and they sent him over here after he threatened his mom with a knife for drug money only to tremble and black out right then due to lack of drugs. He is underage and his mom didn’t file a complaint, that is why he is not in jail and is my patient. I’m glad, I believe in second chances. 

I truly believe that Byulyi is going to be better. At first I had my doubts about her because she was so unresponsive but the last few weeks proved me wrong, thankfully so. Today she was almost all conscious about her entourage. She thanked me after the celebrations were over, she must’ve understood that I was the one who organized it. She asked me when my birthday was and I answered, she will probably forget about it but it’s nice to see her acting like this. She’s one the most interesting cases I’ve ever had since I started my career. I still wonder what could’ve had triggered her condition. Oh well, only time will tell. 

 

**Official Journal - 29.12.2017**

Today, we had a great session. Moon Byulyi-sshi, as soon as she came into the room, noticed the semi-decorated festive tree and frowned. After I asked what was wrong, she pointed at the tree and said ‘ugly’. I suggested that we could decorate it while we talked and that gave me a great opportunity to observe her speech and thinking process when she is busy with something else. She was surprisingly better when she had something on her plate. She even answered a few of the personal questions she refused to earlier in our sessions. The footage of the session is in the archives, I suggest the possible following psychiatrist to watch it. 

 

**Personal Journal - 29th of December, 2017**

I am bitter and I am mad at myself for being bitter. I can not believe that I am actually jealous of my closest friend… Joohyun just posted a picture with her girlfriend in Paris and I am a bitter old woman. I, of course, liked it and commented with a bunch of emojis but those were fake emojis. I feel nothing but boredom in my life. Oh well…

If we go back to my job, which is apparently the only exciting thing I have to offer, even to myself, things are going okay, I guess. My new patient, Chiwon-sshi is suffering but I got him to cooperate with us during his withdrawal stage. He cried for days after he remembered pulling his knife on his mom, so I think he is done with drugs. Or I like to think so.

Chaeyoung-ah is… a lot better but I can’t help but give into the pessimist in me. I feel like she’s hiding a few things from me with the fear of coming back here. I tried to dig deeper but nothing came up yet. 

That Moon Byulyi is getting bolder! Today she straight up told me that the tree I decorated was ugly. I was taken aback, of course. Perhaps her personality is like this? Now that we can have actual conversations… So, she demanded to rearrange the decorating of the tree and who am I to refuse? We had a nice chat, she opened up about her hobbies. She likes photography and sports, apparently. Also, she seemed like she was taking better care of herself now. Her hair was in a ponytail, and her face looked more lively. I’m cheering for her recovery. Byulyi-yah, fighting! 

She also shared that she only had a few relationships in her life and that the last one was a family friend’s son. She clearly cringed when she said that. Yikes. 

Oh, also I was reading through this journal and I saw what I wrote about Chaerin, so I did look her up on facebook. Apparently she is married and she gave birth to twin girls last year… I guess, only I’m living a sad, lonely life.

 

**Official Journal - 21.02.2018**

Today was an interesting day. The patient came to our session without her wheelchair, not even as a backup and had a small arrangements of flowers in a water cup in her hands. She told me that she asked her caretaker to take a note of my birthday and she kept the note in her room. Aside from it being touching, I also see that this meant that she was herself enough to think all this through. We have established a good therapeutic alliance and I already see its fruits in our conversations. She also shared some of her good memories of past birthdays of hers and friends’. She seems more open to personal information sharing day by day.

Ps. I made a small dosage change in her meds. She mentioned ‘Junghee’ the other day, apparently she threw up because of something she ate and I am guessing that got into way of her medicine being digested. She said that she saw her for the first time in months and that she would usually only call. 

 

**Personal Journal - 21st of February, 2018**

Happy birthday to me! Today was actually wonderful! What a surprise ^^

I woke up early as usual and when I was having my morning coffee by my window, someone knocked on my door. I was a bit suspicious, because who comes to my house at six in the morning but when I opened it… *drumroll*.... Joohyun and her girlfriend Son Seungwan-sshi!!

She flew back here to keep me company on my birthday. Could I even ask for a better friend?

And as for Seungwan-sshi, her family immigrated to Canada during the war so this is the first time she came to Korea. It’s weird to talk to someone who is fluent yet so foreign. 

We had breakfast together and they said they were only here for a few days and of course, I told them to stay at my place. No need to pay for hotel, I am an wallet-friendly friend after all. 

After that, I went to work and a few of my coworkers wished me a happy birthday and Yoongi-ah even got me a gift, a nice vinyl of Kim Kwangseok. I have good friends. (ps. Remember his birthday on 9th of march!!!)

But the highlight today was that when Byulyi-yah came to our session, I was shocked. I don’t like exaggerating but I really felt slack-jawed. She came in walking, she didn’t even ask for a wheelchair as backup. She said she went out to the garden before coming and collected some flowers. I intend to keep them as long as I can. Maybe I can dry them out?

She really continues to impress me, she even started wear her hair down but in a maintained way. I’m getting weirdly invested in her healing process, I don’t know if it’s okay for me to feel so much affection for this woman but she left me no choice when she came in with that shy smile and hand full of flowers. 

Gosh… this is so unprofessional. If anyone reads this, I would get fired. 

....

I’m overreacting maybe… I mean it is a nice thing that I care about the patient, right?

Uhhhh, I don’t know anything. I may be an unprofessional piece of trash but I am a happy one today.

We had a lot of fun during dinner with Joohyun and Seungwan-sshi , we even played ‘never have I ever’ and now I am hammered while writing this. 

Thank god I don’t work tomorrow. 

Peace out :P

 

**Official Journal - 23.03.2018**

We made a bit of progress today, she talked about her father for the first time. For now, I don’t see anything that would cause a trauma with her father but we are very much at the beginning. 

The only other thing that is relevant enough to note down is that, finally after a long year of sessions, her mother called the hospital and contacted me personally. She asked to visit and I am going to permit her to visit. This might be a risky decision but I think we made enough progress for her to get in touch with her previous life. Also she didn’t show any kind of bad reaction when I mentioned her mother before, so I am willing to take the risk. 


	5. Spiralling Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear moonsun shippers!  
> We are really sorry for the late chapter, we just can't find the motivation to write new chapters fast :/
> 
> with that said, we hope you enjoy this chapter :)

Byulyi looks at her reflection with unsure eyes, maybe parting her hair a bit to the side wasn’t a good idea. She somehow looks like a teenager now. She shakes her head, hair falling down in front of her eyes. She wants to be pretty but she doesn’t remember what was pretty on her. She really let go these past years. She hates that. She hates going to her sessions to find her doctor, the beautiful Kim Yongsun, shining bright against her pale and unkempt appearance. She will never be able to impress Kim Yongsun. 

That’s a shame, she really feels warm whenever they speak. Unless, Yongsun-unnie is trying to dig her past, which is a bit annoying. She isn’t one to open up about her family life and past, particularly in the condition she’s in right now. She knows that she’s here because of Junghee, yet she’s reluctant to admit that she had failed her patient that easily. Is she a good psychologist, after all? They had to lock her up here because she let down Junghee, this can’t be a good sign of her value as a psychologist. 

The door knocks and caretaker’s voice fills the room in instant. “You ready?” 

She gets out of the bathroom, facing Hoseok’s half smiling face. Byulyi sticks her tongue and hand out to him. He gives her the pills and the water cup. 

“What? I didn’t say anything, why are you sticking your tongue out to me?”  He asks watching her drink her medicine with a secretive grin. 

“You know what you’re doing. Wipe that grin off your face, Hoseok-ah. I only want to look presentable for myself and no one else.” She says, hand wiping away the drop of water that dared to travel down to her neck. “This has nothing to do with Yongsun-sshi.”

“I didn’t mention her name, you did. But I believe you, Byulyi-sshi.” he says, offering his arm for support. Byulyi shakes her head and walks on her own. She doesn’t need support if she’s only carrying her own weight. 

As they reach the doctor’s office, Byulyi tries to catch her reflection on the windows without being obvious to Hoseok. She wants to look… okay for Yongsun-unnie. After all, she is trying to make her a better psychologist. That is the least she can do to show that she appreciates the effort. 

Oh, how she wishes that she had things to wear other than the dull-looking hospital gown.

Hoseok nudges her to knock on the door, catching her checking herself out. Byulyi knocks on the hardwood, avoiding Hoseok’s smug smile. 

“Come in, Byulyi-sshi.”

Byulyi goes in eagerly, welcomed with the sight of Yongsun sitting on her desk. The doctor’s face lights up, standing up from her chair to greet Byulyi.

“How are you today?” She asks with an enthusiastic voice.

“I’m fine, thank you.” Byulyi replies politely, and then asks how Yongsun is doing in return.

“I’m great!” Yongsun exclaims with energy, “You know why? It’s because I brought a new record for us to listen.”

Byulyi’s eyes settle on Yongsun’s wooden desk, on which stands an old-looking vinyl. Her curiosity peaks all of a sudden. “Really? Who’s the artist?”

“Queen.” Yongsun answers as she walks over to pick the record up, then she proceeds to put it on the record player. “This one is a bit special to me because someone gave it to me.” Byulyi takes a seat to enjoy the music that’s coming out from the speakers, waiting for Yongsun to explain further. “Do you want to know who?”

Byulyi frowns, and guesses with a grim look. “Your boyfriend?”

Yongsun barks out a laugh at that, shaking her head firmly. “No, my father.”

“Oh.”

Yongsun takes the seat across her, crossing her legs as she leans back on her chair. Her blonde hair falls in waves over her shoulder as she brushes them to her left with her hand. Her face is supporting a nostalgic smile.

“It’s one of the fondest memories of my teenage days.” She tells, “He gave it to me on my 16th birthday, along with a record player.” She turns to Byulyi. “What was your father like, if you don’t mind me asking?”

The sudden question makes Byulyi stop in her tracks for a moment. She never dealt with personal questions that well. Plus, her father is a touchy subject for her. For one, she believes that his death caused so many of Byulyi’s problems. Yet she thinks highly of him -had always thought so- and keeps his memory close to her heart. She fidgets on her chair uneasily.   

“He was nice, maybe the nicest man I’ve ever met.” Byulyi utters, lost in her own mind, “I miss him a lot.”

When she brings her gaze on the older once again she’s not surprised to find her listening attentively. Yongsun is always observing, calculating with her doe like eyes. Sometimes Byulyi wishes she could know what she thinks of her.

“Did he pass away?” The woman in question asks carefully, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Byulyi sighs, and holding the armrests tightly. “It’s okay, um, it happened long time ago. I was 15.”

Her words evokes a surprised expression from Yongsun. She bites her lip, and looks down in guilt. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. And here I am talking about my teenage memories with my father.”

Byulyi scans the older’s face and finds no clue of mockery in her words. She appreciates this side of the blonde, always sincere and warm about everything. “No, it’s no harm.”

Yongsun nods, but Byulyi can see that she’s consumed by curiosity. “And your mother?” She asks after a few seconds of silence, the look in her eyes gives Byulyi no choice but to answer. She shrugs.

“Our relationship is normal.” Byulyi is used to lying about her mother at this point, she had established long ago that the deception requires far less trouble than the bitter truth. “There isn’t much to say.”

“You like her?” Yongsun inquires again, Byulyi can sense that she thinks something is wrong. So she does what she does best.

“Of course.” Byulyi forces out, “She’s my mother.”

Queen’s I Want To Break Free fills the room as Yongsun notes something on the paper in front of her, Byulyi’s glad that it gives her time to stray away from the gloomy topic. She takes a moment to prevent her mind to wander into dark, forbidden places, and then speaks.

“The weather is exceptionally beautiful today, isn’t it?” She makes small talk absentmindedly, “It’s not even april yet.”

Yongsun glances out of the window, smiling as if she just noticed the blue sky. “You can take a walk around the garden if you want, I’ll tell Hoseok.”

Byulyi hums, she too turning to enjoy the spring weather. “I wish you would come with me, not Hoseok-sshi.”

The buzz of her phone alarms Byulyi, it must be Junghee again. She curses inwardly, things were going so great just now, what does she want?

_ Are you with that Yongsun woman again? _

“Did you get a text?” Yongsun asks, looking over at her hand that’s holding her phone.

Byulyi nods, and then another text.

_ Didn’t I tell you to not to talk to her? _

“What does it say?”

_ You never have time for me _

“Byulyi?”

_ Don’t answer her _

Byulyi opens her mouth, but no words come out.

_ Don’tanswerDon’tanswerDon’tanswerDon’tanswerDon’tanswerDon’tanswerDon’tanswerDon’tanswerDon’tanswerDon’tanswerDon’tanswerDon’tanswerDon’tanswer _

The screen of her phone is flooding with messages, which makes her grimace in a horrified state. She knows Junghee isn’t allowed to visit anymore, but possibilities dance in her terrified mind.

“You know what?” Yongsun says as she gets up to get her coat, “Let’s head out to the garden. I want to appreciate this nice weather, what do you say?”

“Sure.” says Byulyi, a bit distracted with the way Yongsun’s hair is flowing down. It is weirdly hypnotizing. She shakes her head as she ignores the buzz of her phone in her pocket. Junghee is mad at her. Byulyi doesn’t care. She’s a spoiled brat anyways. 

Yongsun offers her arm to Byulyi as they reach the outdoor, the relatively small garden laid out in front of them like it was made for them. Byulyi, despite the fact that she refused Hoseok’s helping hand earlier that day, takes the offer and links arms with her doctor. 

“Were you an outside kid growing up, Byulyi-sshi?” Asks Yongsun, she looks as if she is looking anywhere but her but Byulyi knows this trick enough. She’s observing every detail Byulyi has to offer. Byulyi sighs, she is just a case in her eyes. 

“Yes, we had a nice backyard where I played with my dog all day. Daebak was such a playful little boy!” She responds, deciding to be honest. 

“Aww, you had a dog? That’s so cute. I love dogs, I wanted to adopt one as a kid but my dad had allergies.” Says Yongsun, her face gets clouded by the rainy days of the past. 

“My dad was okay with him, I guess… He was rarely home so it didn’t matter. He took Daebak to the vet a lot, so I’m grateful.”  

Yongsun hums and nods, they settle on a peaceful silence before she has to grab her doctor’s shovel once more and dig up the corpses Moon Byulyi clumsily buried in her backyard. 

“Does Junghee-sshi like dogs too?” Yongsun asks, seemingly interested in the flower that she’s bending down to smell at the moment. They both know the game they are playing. It is up to Byulyi to decide if she will be good sportsman.

“She also has allergies, I think.” She decides to answer truthfully once again. “But since I’m only her psychologist, I’m not entirely sure.” 

Yongsun’s eyebrows twitch for a second before she gets her control back. She dismisses her with her hand. “If you aren’t sure, why don’t you text her?” 

Byulyi is shaken up a bit by the nonchalant response, she knows Kim Yongsun hates Junghee and even acts like she doesn't exist, so her sudden acknowledgement of the trainee girl is strange. 

“I don’t want to disturb her during her lessons. Her manager gets mad.” Byulyi decides to say. She can text Junghee but she doesn’t want to invade their patient-psychologist privacy like this, showing their relationship to Yongsun in the bright day light. 

“Oh, okay. I Understand.” Yongsun says, her face looks slightly more determined. “Then may I ask for your number?” 

Byulyi is, well, taken-aback would be an understatement. She visibly lags for a second, searching all over her mind for the answer she wants to give to Kim Yongsun so much but she comes up empty handed. What is her phone number? When and where did she get it? Those questions echo around in her mind like a room without a wall, she can’t fact check herself. She remembers getting a new phone a year before she came here and the number has been the same since she was fifteen. But she gave that phone away when she became a resident here. How in the world did she ended up with a new phone? 

All of those ugly emotions and dizzying thoughts force Byulyi to hold onto the doctor’s arm tighter but she manages to breathe for a second. She has to keep this under control. She can deal with these questions later by herself. Kim Yongsun doesn’t have to witness her breakdown. 

She has to avoid.

“No.” she answers. “That’s unprofessional.”

Instead of the shock she waits to find on the doctor’s eyes, she finds understanding. Still, Yongsun purses her lips a little in a distasteful manner as she answer. “I see. Then how come you have Junghee’s number?”

Byulyi pauses to think for a while. How did she get her number? It must’ve come with her files, right? She averts her gaze upon not finding a correct answer to give. “She insisted.”

Yongsun kicks a rock that’s on her way lightly, it hits one of the benches on the left side. She takes her time before asking another question this time, which prompts Byulyi to beat her into it.

“So,” She starts curiously, “What’s happening in the world? Tell me a little.”

Yongsun angles her head towards Byulyi upon the question, her eyes supporting an intense interest along with some other emotion Byulyi can’t quite put her finger on to, once again. “I wouldn’t know what to tell you, unfortunately. I’m not exactly someone who watches the news daily.”

Byulyi is aware that the older woman is just trying to find a way to leave her question unanswered, so she drops the subject and doesn’t press further. Yet, Yongsun surprises her by posing a question herself.

“What do you miss the most about it?” She leads them to sit on one of the wooden benches, Byulyi notes that she had chosen the one under the only plane tree in the garden. “The world, I mean.”

“I don’t know…” Byulyi hesitates before answering, she’s watching some ants bring food to their nest, “Beer, maybe?”

The sides of Yongsun’s eyes crinkle as she chuckles prettily. She leans her head on one hand as she replies, “So, I take it you liked drinking?”

Byulyi hums. “You can say that.”

“You know, I can’t really drink.” Yongsun has an amused expression on her face, yet eyes still fixed on Byulyi, “One drink and I’m down.”

Something tugs Byulyi’s heart almost agonizingly, because it’s so easy to imagine them sitting across each other in a crowded coffee shop on a sunday. Perhaps Yongsun would wear the exact same expression on her face, and maybe she would be answering a joke Byulyi made warmly. Just maybe if they had met somewhere else, a long time ago. False hopes stare Byulyi in the face, laughing at her misery. 

“Is that so?” The psychologist smiles, and adds with caution to not to show what’s growing inside of her heart, “That must be a bother.”

Yongsun shrugs, “I got used to it.” Then she asks another question, “Who did you go out to drink with... Junghee?”

“Huh? God, no. She was underage until this year. Plus, I’ve never gotten that kind of a relationship with one of my patients.” Byulyi explains, horrified at the accusation, “I mostly went alone.”

“I see.” Yongsun nods, “I’m sorry I assumed.”

Time flows as they ask questions to each other back and forth, and Yongsun stands up when she checks her watch a while after.

“I have another appointment in fifteen minutes, Byulyi-sshi,” She explains, extending a hand for Byulyi to take in order to help her get up too, “Thank you for this nice chat, let’s go back now. I wouldn’t want to to keep Insoo-sshi waiting.”

The way back to her office is soothingly silent. Since every time they meet Byulyi pushes her social capacity to its limits, she appreciates these moments more than anything. She watches Yongsun walk, making a tiny distance between them for observation. Her blonde hair sways along her hips, also moving Byulyi. She shakes her head, she’s being unreasonable. She knows as a psychologist that relationships between the doctor and the patient is illegal and dangerous regarding the healing process. Her case, even though she’s only here because of that brat Junghee, is no exception. 

Just as Byulyi starts witnessing the fight between her logic and her emotions, they reach the heavy wooden door. There is a texting Hoseok, leaning on the wall. Before he notices them, Byulyi sees Yongsun smile slyly. 

“Oh, Dr.Min, how are you?” She says towards Hoseok. Byulyi is intrigued. 

Hoseok immediately fixes his posture and all his attention returns to the world outside his phone. The look on his face when he realizes the little joke makes Byulyi genuinely smile. 

“You should get your eyes checked, Dr.Kim.” He says jokingly. “Let’s go back, Byulyi-sshi.” 

Byulyi chuckles as they make their ways through the corridors, her eyes occasionally checking the reddened face of her caretaker. 

“Who is Dr.Min? A special lady?” Byulyi asks, not being able to hold herself back. 

Hoseok’s eyes look for a crack to crawl in as he looks in his mind for an answer. “No…”

“Is that why you’re so red, Hoseok-ah?” She asks, giggling. 

“He is just a good friend.” 

Oh. 

“Oh.”

Byulyi gives herself a mental beating for assuming things about people. How can she do the thing that she hated having done to herself? “I hope you will have everything you want with him, Hoseok-ah. You’re a good person, you deserve to be happy.”

Hoseok, even though his eyes are calculating, smiles widely and opens her door. “Thank you Byulyi-sshi. I pray for your happiness and health too.” 

 

* * *

 

An unexpected knock on the door makes Byulyi lift her head up. Hoseok’s head is seen a few moments later. 

“You have a visitor.” He informs her, smiling cheerfully.

Byulyi is beyond surprised. Even Junghee doesn’t visit her anymore, who could it be? She can’t imagine one person who would want to see her in this condition. 

“You can see her from the window.” Hoseok says, “She’s waiting for you there.”

Byulyi half-opens the white curtains, an uneasy feeling settling in her stomach for some reason. Her gaze browses between the greenness for a while and then what she sees makes her stop dead in her tracks. But, no, how could it be? She had thought that she was safe in there. She turns to Hoseok again, only to notice another smiling figure in the room. Junghee is standing alongside the caretaker, she must’ve gotten in when Byulyi was too focused on seeing who’s outside to notice her presence. 

“Hi, unnie. I had some free time today so I decided to visit you.” She explains, “Were you just heading down to the garden? Give me a piggyback ride!”

She doesn’t give Byulyi time to answer as she hops on to her back. The psychologist would collapse to the ground if it wasn’t for Hoseok, who grips her arms tightly at the last second with a shocked expression on his face.

“Byulyi-sshi? Are you alright?”

“I…” Byulyi suddenly finds herself too weak to answer, “Wheelchair.”

The man rushes to bring her what she wants as Junghee’s cheerful laugh echoes in Byulyi’s ears. “Let’s go to the garden, unnie. You were right, the weather is nice today as well.” She presses with a demanding tone when Byulyi doesn’t react. “We like nice, remember?”

Hoseok begins to push the chair as Junghee settles comfortably on her lap, chatting absently. “It’s been a while since I was here. It’s nicer in the spring, perhaps I’ll visit more.”

There are twenty six benches in the humble garden of the hospital. On the first, sits a man names Insoo, Byulyi had met him once during her walks. He was polite. On the second, there are two doctors, whose name cards are unreadable to Byulyi. They discuss something feverishly, like it’s a matter of life and death. And on the third—

“Byulyi.” The feminine voice scares Byulyi, makes her feel like a child on the first day of kindergarten. Her gaze burns into her skin, hurting much more than anything she did to herself. 

Her mother sits cross-legged across her like she owns the whole building. Hoseok stops and excuses himself, as Junghee jumps down from her lap in a childish joy. Byulyi turns away from her mother to focus on the trainee girl, because she can feel the eyes of the older woman on herself. She truly feels helpless like a prey living her last moments, already halfway swallowed by some hegemonic being. 

“I thought your doctor said that your condition was better.” She comments at last, her gaze goes beyond the three dimension. Byulyi feels it glaring into her soul.

“I think we both know that you shouldn’t answer that.” Junghee comments. She’s checking her phone with disinterest. It amazes Byulyi that how calm she is in the presence of a being that leaks negativity and danger. Maybe it’s her young age, recklessness runs through her blood. 

Byulyi follows her advice. But that isn’t enough to make her mother shut up. It never is.

“I don’t know what she meant, in that case.” The older of the three snickers, “Perhaps she wanted you gone? I can understand that, you can be bothersome sometimes.”

Junghee chuckles. “Right.”

Byulyi hates existing. 

“Are you still seeing imaginary things?” Her mother asks as Junghee pops the gum in her mouth. Byulyi doesn't respond. Her mother gets impatient. “The disrespect you have… It’s your useless father’s genes that ruined you, I swear.” 

The lump in Byulyi’s throat gets heavier as her mother continues. “The doctor said you were walking on your own and even started to speak regularly. Are you being like this to me? Is this because of Seunghoon?” 

Byulyi feels as if her throat is closing down on its own. Junghee pops her gum once more. 

“You already lost him to another girl and you have the audacity to act like this.” Her mother shows no signs of stopping, yet her weak heart does. 

“Did you creep out your doctor? Did you hit on her? Maybe that’s why. Byulyi, since you’re already here, I’ll talk to your doctor about that too. I believe you can still get it cured.” 

Upon noticing Byulyi’s lack of reaction she gets up abruptly, her face illuminated with distaste and impatience. “Well, I don’t see any point of sitting here if you won’t answer. Take care.”

She leaves Byulyi alone with Junghee again, as all there is left to do is to watch her slowly disappearing back. 

She doesn’t want to give in to the tears once again, but she has no choice as a single traitorous teardrop wets her cheek. Junghee puts a hand on her shoulder, as if to comfort her. She positions herself behind the wheelchair to lean comfortably to Byulyi’s left hair. Her breath tickles Byulyi’s neck as she whispers.

“Don’t worry. You won’t be alone from now on. I know I neglected you.”

She closes her eyes with her hands, maybe in a futile attempt to dry her tears or maybe to prevent her from seeing. She succeeds in one, at least. Her nails dig into her forehead, soothing hand of Junghee circles her back. “Unnie, I’m here. She’s gone. You can lean on me. I will always be here.” 

Byulyi gives in. 

Absent-mindedly strolling through her mind is easier. 

Not being conscious is easier. 

Letting Junghee take the wheel is easier. 

 

She feels herself slip into darkness. She feels numb. 

It’s nice.

 

 

* * *

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	6. In Flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: heavy mentions of parental abuse
> 
> if anyone doesn't read bc of the trigger warning, just leave a comment and i'll summarize it c:

 

Yongsun looks over the files that are piled on top of her desk once more, she feels like drowning in paperwork. Just as she slams her head down to the table, she hears knocking.

“Come in.” She calls in her ‘Dr.Kim’ voice.

To her surprise, Hoseok’s head pops through the door. His face is bare of his usual smile, his eyebrows are tensed with worry.

Suddenly, an ugly feeling settles in her stomach.

“Dr. Kim, Byulyi-sshi… I think she’s relapsing.” He says, his voice heavy with the grimness of the situation.

Yongsun’s thoughts stop, she can’t believe her ears. Her mind refuses to believe that after all the progress they have made, her patient, the brilliant Moon Byulyi, would go back to her silent days and mumbling phase.

She abandons all of her paperwork and rushes to her feet as she passes by Hoseok with hurried steps, gesturing him to follow her. She has to go and see her patient.

The caretaker and the doctor walk through the corridors, steps rushed, hearts heavy and dragging them.

They stop in front of her room, the white door innocently closed in front of them. Yongsun just wants to open the it and find Byulyi reading on her desk, healing and happy.

She takes a deep breath, hand already on the door handle, too scared to push.

“Dr. Kim?” Hoseok asks, confusion and worry evident on his face.

Yongsun snaps out of her trance and pushes the door. She couldn't escape the truth anyways.

 

The room is quite simple. Walls painted beige, a big window that has a red, patterned cushion in front of it, a desk full of papers and books with a comfortable looking chair and a baby blue bed. Its simplistically beauty is shadowed by a sight Yongsun never wanted to see.

Byulyi is lying on the floor, closing in on herself, her eyes are unfocused and her wheelchair is next to her, also crooked and fallen. Her lips move, as if she’s speaking, tears fall effortlessly down her cheeks. Her arms are covered in bruises and nail marks. Even at that moment, she’s drawing blood from her arm, clawing ruthlessly.

Yongsun feels her blood freeze in her veins. She hates this.

Hoseok enters the room just after her and rushes to Byulyi, picking up the frail looking girl and carrying her to her bed. Yongsun drags her feet over to her side, sitting by the bedside, observing her patient’s face. She feels like crying too but she holds herself, she has to be professional. She has to be analytical and reasonable for Byulyi.

“What happened? What did she do last?” She turns to Hoseok, who’s picking up the wheelchair Byulyi apparently fell from.

“She was completely fine this morning, I told her she had a guest, she demanded her wheelchair. I thought she just didn’t wanted to risk falling in front of her mothe-”

“Wait.” Yongsun says, holding her hand up in confusion, “Guest? She talked with her mother? Today?”

“Well, yes. She came this morning, said that she wants to see her daughter and that you gave her clearance to do so. The security checked her ID and she showed an email you sent her, that says she can visit. Then we let her in.” Hoseok explains, face supporting a similar expression to Yongsun’s, “Didn’t you allow her to visit?”

“That insufferable woman… I told her specifically that Byulyi was in a really fragile state and that she’d have to have her visit while I’m there to observe and intervene.” Yongsun says, anger slowly rising the temperature in the room. She takes another deep breath. “And then what happened?”

Yongsun watches as Hoseok’s mouth falls open, his usually kind eyes starting to glow with anger. “I stood a few meters away to give them space, I heard a few things. Something about a guy and her father, but her mom talked in a really low voice so I couldn’t understand much. Byulyi-sshi didn’t even say one word and shortly after her mother left. When I got to her side, she was mumbling like she always did a year ago and she was crying. After that, I rushed her to her room and ran to get you. She must have tried to get up and fell.”

Yongsun rubs her temples in disbelief of the situation, trying to find words to say as she fixes her gaze on Byulyi’s crying figure.

All of that progress was ruined with a few words. A few syllables that rolled of her mother's tongue had the power to bring Byulyi to her knees.

Words are cruel.

Heart-wrenching sobs fills the quiet room and bounces off of the naked walls to attack the psychiatrist. Yongsun feels like Byulyi was blaming her with each hiccup, for every teardrop that trails off the mentally disturbed girl’s face, Yongsun feels like dying.

Silence between the caretaker and the doctor only deepens with the earthquakes caused by Byulyi’s shivering.

Yongsun takes a deep breath. She has to be professional. She has to be Dr.Kim.

“Hoseok-sshi, give her thioridazine so that she doesn’t hurt herself.” She says, getting up when she finds enough strength in her knees. “I’m increasing our sessions to 4 times a week. I will send an updated dosage note to you and I want you to carry it out starting tomorrow.”

Hoseok nods, his eyes on the suffering girl on the bed. “Should I restrain her with the jacket? She already clawed her arms…” He asks, a tired expression resides on his face.

“Sedative should be enough for now. We don’t know how far she’s gone, the acknowledgement of the jacket might cause her to feel worse and push her to the edge.” She says, hand on the door handle, weight of the world is resting on her name tag.

Dr. Kim Yongsun. Psychiatrist.

“Monitor her behaviour closely and report to me with any change. Also, don’t allow visitors in anymore without directly asking me.”

 

//

 

“Byulyi-sshi?” Yongsun asks the shell of a girl sitting in front of her.

No response.

“Moon Byulyi?”

“...”

“Dr. Moon.”

“...”

“Byul-ah!” She tries, maybe a friend-like calling would appeal to her.

Byulyi visibly shakes and shields her face with her hands. Yongsun sighs. “Byulyi-sshi. I’m not going to hurt you. You don’t need to get your guard up.”

Byulyi peeks between her fingers, as curious as a child and as frightened as an abused animal, ready to attack and sprint away from the danger.

Byulyi opens her mouth a little and her gaze moves to a point behind Yongsun.

Junghee is back apparently.

“Can you ask Junghee to wait for you outside? It’s not appropriate for another person to be in the room while there is a session going on.” Yongsun says, her gaze following Byulyi’s.

Byulyi shakes her head and turns away from Yongsun. “Not alone.”

“You are not alone anyways. You don’t need Junghee.” Yongsun argues. “She confuses you and she is a brat. You have me. Tell her to go away.”

Byulyi shakes her head once more. “You… don’t count.”

“Why? Am I not a real person?” Yongsun tries, testing the strength of Junghee.

“I don’t know. Maybe not.” Byulyi says, eyes still on Junghee, her expressions change as if they are having a private silent conversation.

Yongsun is silent for a moment, brain working on ways to crack Byulyi’s shell. “Is Junghee real then?”

Byulyi’s head turns to her suddenly, mouth curling downwards. “Why wouldn’t she be?”

“Why wouldn’t _I_ be?” Yongsun counter-attacks.

“That’s for you to know.” Byulyi says, mumbling once again.

“I know I’m real. I have a physical form, my actions and my life are continuous and rational. I have memories to prove my existence. Everybody around me can see me and interact with me.” Yongsun says calmly, trying to maintain eye contact with Byulyi. “Does Junghee qualify for these criteria?”

Byulyi scoffs and turns away once more. “And who decides those are the things you need to have to be real?” She asks a little feverishly, “Look at me. I’m neither rational nor aware of my physical form at all times. I’m not even sure everyone can see me and would want to interact with me. My memories are not stable, sometimes I feel like they are not mine.” She pauses for a second, a frown forms on her face. “Then according to you, I’m not real?” She says with genuine worry on her face.

“Being confused and suspicious makes you real. What makes _her_ real? Hanging around you like a parasite, feeding off of your negative energy?” Yongsun says, getting up to put a soft instrumental vinyl onto the gramophone. They need to have something soothing, she doesn’t want Byulyi to feel like she’s being trapped.

“She… She is real. I know she is. I _feel_ she is.” Byulyi says, looking to her left with affection in her eyes. “She’s more real than me. She is all I couldn’t be. I am just a pile of leftover parts glued together to feel like real yet break at a certain point.”

“Being perfect distances one’s self from reality. Having flaws and doubting yourself makes you real. Makes you human.” Yongsun insists, leaning on her wooden desk. “What makes Junghee perfect is what makes her not real.”

“What are your flaws then? What makes you so sure that you are real?” Byulyi demands angrily, her shoulders tense and eyebrows crossed, “How can you be so obnoxious about your own existence?”

“I put work ahead of everything. I neglect people that care about me. I can’t seem to find a meaning in life. I’m horrible when it comes to meeting new people. I over-analyze and push away people that I meet outside the hospital. I’m insecure about my appearance and my voice. I don’t have any courage to do anything I want. I don’t think I’m that good of a psychiatrist. I constantly feel like I let people down.” Yongsun says, her gaze never wavering as she empties her luggage, her ugly self-doubt in front of them. “And those make me real. It would be cruel to be so imperfect and yet non-real.”

Byulyi opens her mouth to say something yet not a sound escapes her throat. She tries once more but then turns away again.

“So, aren’t you going to answer my question? What makes her real?”

“She is there for me. That should be enough.”

“That doesn’t seem enough to me.”

“She doesn’t exist to satisfy your requirements.”

“Does she exist to satisfy yours?”

Byulyi is silent once again, so Yongsun presses further.

“Or maybe your mother's?”

Her patient looks at her with wide eyes, she almost looks like she belongs to a cartoon. “What does she have anything to do with?”

Yongsun observes every single movement that comes out of Byulyi. Her entire body tensed the second her mother was mentioned. It is confirmed, the root lies within her roots, her mother.

“Oh, I’m just guessing. You don’t have a great relationship with your mother and you don’t think you have what it takes to exist. It’s an odd coincidence to have a patient that is perfect. Maybe she is a person that satisfies all your mothers expectations of you, maybe she is a substitute person for you to show your mother.”

Byulyi looks at her with a terrified look, drawing herself back even further into her shell. “No.”

“What does your mother expect of you Byulyi-sshi? Does Junghee meet her standards?”

“I… I don’t know.” Byulyi says, her eyes are traveling around the room frantically. “I don’t want to know.”

“Who is your mother’s ideal daughter? You?” Yongsun pushes further. She is tired of playing it easy. Unless she pushes, Byulyi won’t answer.

“No.”

“Who then?”

“I don’t know.”

“What did she say to you the other day?”

“I… don’t want to.”

“It is reality, it doesn’t shape according to your wants or whatnot.”

“Why can’t you just shut the fuck up ever?” Byulyi shouts at last. Her breathing is unstable, her eyes are teary.

Yongsun doesn’t say a word. She scribbles down a few words. Holds it up for Byulyi to read.

 

_BE HONEST TO YOURSELF_

 

Byulyi stops responding for a second. Her eye twitches, then her chest heaves. Her eyes scream for help.

“Honesty?” She asks in the smallest voice possible before letting out a dry laugh. “Fine.” She says getting up, her knees wobble and her steps are weak. “Junghee is everything I dreamed to be. Everything I want to be brave enough to be. Everything that woman skinned out of my soul and prevented me from being.”

She reaches Yongsun’s seat and grabs the notebook she’s holding.

“Everything that ruined me.” She says flinging the notebook to the wall. “Everything.”

Yongsun finally remembers to breathe. Byulyi falls to the ground, her legs failing her.

She keeps mumbling to herself. Only saying one word. Everything.

Yongsun pages her caretaker and grabs the girl by her armpits, sitting her in her chair.

The hard path just started and Yongsun already feels as if she ran a marathon.

 

//

 

Byulyi is no better by their next session, and the worst part is that she has an almost hostile spark in her eyes. It shouldn’t but, it makes Yongsun nervous under the younger’s gaze when their eyes meet for a moment before Byulyi looks away, helping her worries surface. She tries to calm herself down by putting some relaxing music on, soft sounds fill the room as she gets back to her seat.

“Byulyi-sshi,” She starts her parole, “How are you today?”

The girl in question doesn’t lift her head up to meet Yongsun’s eyes, instead just mumbles a short reply. “Y’know.”

Yongsun purses her lips in return, she had hoped to get better reactions from her patient today. “I see.” She tries again, “Are you mad at me, perhaps?”

This makes Byulyi snort mockingly, she answers while shaking her head vigorously. “I don’t believe that we’re close enough for me to be mad at you.”

“Oh.” Yongsun manages to say. She’s genuinely surprised at the other woman’s words, was she wrong to think that they have established some kind friendship?

Her own thoughts disturb her all of a sudden. This is strictly a patient-doctor relationship, she reminds herself, there is no need to form a close bond. She pulls herself together as she replies, “We don’t need to be, you of all people should know that.”

She doesn’t know if she’s talking to Byulyi or herself.

Byulyi hums to signal that she understands, but her eyes are still locked on the floor, examining the pattern on the old carpet. There were many times in her professional career that Yongsun felt helpless, unsure of what to say but this is the first time that she suffers from the lack of hope. After a bit of thinking she decides on following her own advice.

“I want you to get better.” Yongsun explains truthfully, “I want to see you happy, really. But you need to want it too.”

Finally she gets a positive reaction from Byulyi, the younger’s eyes find her gaze. She simply nods, but even that gesture alone makes Yongsun think, maybe, she will be fine at the end.

“You understand, right?” Yongsun quickly comes to a conclusion that Byulyi needs someone to be by her side, “I’m sorry about your encounter with your mother. I’ll make sure that it never happens again. Could you please talk to me about her a little bit? I just want to understand, Byulyi-sshi.”

Yongsun tries not to look too expectant, she hopes to pull Byulyi out of her murky state of mind. There’s a moment of silence between them where the patient clearly thinks about her options. In the end, she sighs, and starts speaking.

“As you might have noticed, we don’t have a very good relationship.” Yongsun nods, noting the way Byulyi’s hands grip the armrests tightly. She gets up and pours water in one of the cups that’s sitting on her desk to give it to Byulyi. The woman accepts it and takes a sip before continuing with her words. “We, uh, had some disagreements in the past. Like… fundamental differences in point of views, I won’t give you any details.”

“Was your relationship… abusive?” Yongsun asks cautiously. She takes a pen and twirls it around her fingers, a nervous habit.

Byulyi fiddles with the hem of her hospital gown. “You could say that.”

Yongsun sets the pen aside, exhaling a breath suddenly. “I’m sorry to hear that, Byulyi-yah. It must’ve been hard for you. Do you have any siblings?”

“Two sisters.”

“I see.” Yongsun answers, “I have an older sister as well. Is it hard, I mean taking care of your younger siblings? I wouldn’t know since I don’t have any.”

“It was…” Byulyi pauses to find the right words for a moment, “Pleasant. Having someone look up to you… it pushes you to be better.” She gulps, “I’m sorry I failed them.”

“I feel like it was your mother who failed them, not you.” Yongsun says in a small voice. She is afraid to push more but she feels like if she doesn’t, they will never progress. Yongsun needs the exact reasons behind her downfall to pull her back form the cliff she has been hanging on. “What were the things that you had disagreements about with your mother?”

“I don’t feel comfortable sharing them.” Byulyi says, her hands are tapping the armrests.

“I understand but, I want you to know that, I am the last person that would judge you for the views you have.” Yongsun feels the need to reassure her patient. “And as you know, nothing you say is allowed to leave this room without your permission.”

“You’re really trying your luck, aren’t you?” Byulyi asks, sighing and leaning her head back to stare at the ceiling. “Okay, you asked for it and you should be ready for the shitstorm.”

Yongsun hears the clock ticking in the silent room as Byulyi just sits there. Yongsun fears what is about to be revealed. She checks with the corner of her eye to see if the camera is still rolling.

“She wanted her daughter to be a doctor, a neurosurgeon if possible. She wanted to have her married to a successful businessman that would treat his mother-in-law with utmost respect. She wanted three grandkids, all sons. She found out soon enough that she wouldn't get any of those things.” She said, exhaustment dripping from her soul. “She had a lesbian, wanna-be idol, stupid as fuck daughter that wasn’t any good. She isn’t the type to accept things easily. Or at all. That is when she started to raise her hand.”

Yongsun tried not to react, her heart breaks but anything she would say could pull Byulyi out of the confession trance that she got into.

“It started with mangas, I was curious about shoujo-ai ones and bought them secretly. She found them. I had bruises all over my arms after that. I had to wear long sleeves in the summer.” Yongsun nods reassuringly, encouraging her to go on, “Then she snooped around in my room to find girl-group posters. She tore them up and pinched my arms again. She went through my laptop and found some porn, she slapped me this time, there were more bruises. In high-school I secretly auditioned for a few companies, I almost got into one, I even got a call back, but they called my house instead of my cell-phone. She yelled at whoever called and she beat me up properly for the first time. I had a black eye for weeks.” Her hands are on the armrests of the chair again, Yongsun notices. The skin around her knuckles blanches excessively as she mumbles, “She even threw away my guitar and bought university exam prep books in its place. I never opened their covers. Then at my last year in high school, I asked a girl I liked out and she miracleously agreed. Then my mom followed me one day, and found out. I woke up the day after in a hospital. According to my mom I fell down the stairs.” Yongsun can’t help but gasp a little. “Then came the university time, I hated even the thought of medical school but I didn’t have what it took to stand up to her anymore. I was just tired of everything. I tried to end it all. I couldn’t. I was a coward.”

She leans her head back on the chair again as if she’s reliving the moment, she looks incredibly small, Yongsun thinks,  “I chose psychology instead. I gave myself to studying. She wasn’t happy but she wasn’t angry either. That was enough for me. As I was close to graduating, she started pressuring about marriage. To a guy of course. We had a fight right before my finals, she raised her arm once more, I was old enough to say something, I was strong enough to stop her physically, but I was weak. I was always weak. She left bruises all over me again. She set me up with a family friend’s son, Seunghoon, I obeyed. We dated for a whole year without letting him touch me. He asked me why, he was patient, he is a good friend. It was one of our date nights and he must have misread me, so he made a move to kiss me. I stopped him and I can still see the disappointment in his eyes. He asked me why. I cried all night, telling him everything. He cried too. He understood me, he supported me. I told him to break up with me and date girls who wanted to date him. He said he wanted to protect me from my mother. I still owe him a lot.” Byulyi gulps, “I managed to get scholarship in the States for my masters degree. I hopped on the first plane and didn’t comeback for three years. I was happy there, I dated whoever I wanted, I was myself. My mother was mad at me for making Seunghoon wait for me but didn’t say much. Her fists couldn't reach overseas. When I came back, I was ready to open my own clinic, devote myself to work. I did exactly that. I was really okay for a few months. Then everything came crashing down when Seunghoon told me that he had a girlfriend that he wanted to get married with. He couldn't pretend to be my boyfriend anymore. I asked him one last favor. I wanted him to tell everyone that he broke up with me. I couldn’t handle my mother’s reaction if the opposite was talked about. But that didn’t matter to her. She came to my clinic one evening. I was just about to close and leave.”

Yongsun tenses, feeling that something bad is coming. Something grim. “She had a yellow jacket on her. Her lips were red as always. Her hand was cruel as ever. We argued. She accused me of letting him go, being a ‘filthy heathen’ that drove away ‘the only man willing to put up with me’. I told her the truth just to be petty, I told her he knew that I liked girls and he dated other people with my permission. I swear, she was as red as her lipstick then. That night was the worst for me. She… I can’t even remember how long it took. She even kicked me when I was on the ground. She left and the only thing she said was she was setting me up with another guy and I would better take this seriously.” How could a person be so cruel? How can someone spill the blood of someone of their own. Yongsun doesn’t understand. She doesn’t even know if she can ever speak to Byulyi’s mother again in case she contacts her. Yongsun just simply wishes that she pays for her crimes. “I remember laying there on the floor of my clinic, my nose bleeding, my insides hurting, bruises all over me starting to color and my tears rolling down my face non-stop. I remember wanting to die. I remember giving up. I remember it very clearly. I remember, asking whoever’s out there, god, guardian angel, universe, anything to give me a sign, give me a purpose to live. Then I remember the office phone ringing. It was a manager from SM entertainment. He said that he had a trainee that needed some help but the company didn’t want the word to get out. It was Junghee. I agreed to their terms. We met when no one was there except me, I didn’t record our sessions and she wasn’t on the financial books. Then two years passed and my friends found out about her and sent me here.”

Yongsun takes a deep breath, she feels like this is too much even for her to handle in one sitting. “I’m… I…”

“I told you that you should be ready for a shitstorm.” Byulyi says, sipping her water calmly. “Junghee is laughing at you right now, she wanted me to say that.”

Yongsun drinks her own water. She is speechless and that shouldn’t be happening. “Thank you for sharing these. It must have been hard for you.”

“Not really. I lived these moment in my head so much that I became dull.” Byulyi says, sighing. “It still hurts, of course, but I can’t change reality. I can’t change the family I was born into. I can’t change the fact that I’m here for a reason.”

Yongsun raises her eyebrows, she feels like she’s watching a computer become self-aware. “And that reason is?” she asks to see if Byulyi will confess to Junghee being imaginary.

“I messed up with Junghee and you need to guide me back on my feet and help me cut ties with her because at this point, it’s unhealthy.” She says matter-of-factly. “Am I correct?”

“Somewhat, yes. I’m here to help you get rid of Junghee and never see her ever again. She is a toxic being that leeches onto you. You are better of without her.” Yongsun says shamelessly.

Byulyi smirks a little. “Why do you sound jealous?”

Yongsun snorts. “Jealous of you for having a brat follow you like a puppy all day? No, thanks.”

“No, I meant that you’re jealous of Junghee because she gets to be with me all the time, she knows me like no one else.” Byulyi says as she examines her fingers. “I get your frustration, I did get hit on a lot by girls overseas.”

Yongsun is taken aback by Byulyi’s bold comments, she looks over to the camera cautiously again, to check if it’s still rolling to capture Byulyi’s shameless flirting. Yongsun’s lips part a bit to answer, yet she seems to not find the right words. “I, um, it’s not appropriate to... you can’t say that here.”

She watches as a grin sprawls all over Byulyi’s face, her eyebrows rising amusedly. “Not here? Then name the place, huh?”

Yongsun feels her face redden as she fans herself for a moment. She’s frustrated by Byulyi’s words, and maybe a little ashamed to find herself liking it. She opts for taking the control of the situation of her own hands. She’s the doctor, Byulyi’s the patient after all. “What do you aim to achieve with this… inappropriate behaviour, Byulyi-sshi?” She asks, shooting daggers at Byulyi to cause more impact, “I think our time is up now, please refrain from demonstrating such behaviour in our next session.”

Byulyi giggles a bit as she presses the button that summons Hoseok to the room. “If you say so doctor.”

Yongsun wants to melt in a puddle and just go down a drain.

 

//

 

Yongsun settles onto her chair as she sips her tea, she doesn’t feel ready for this session. Her demeanor seems relaxed but her internal monologue is on the border of a panic attack.

Ever since their session that went a bit too far, Byulyi started to act a certain way. She started to act flirtatious, winking, smirking and making innuendos all over the place. Yongsun didn’t like these for a couple of reasons; they were a way for Byulyi to distract them from the topic they have been talking about and ignore discussions about her mental health, they were inappropriate which meant that they could get Yongsun in trouble and well, she didn’t like the fact that her own patient was able to make her flustered so easily. Is she really that lame?

The knocking on her door caused her to shudder out of the trance she got herself into.

“Come in.”

Byulyi comes wheeling in with the wheelchair that Hoseok pushes, there is a sly expression on her face. She’s here to play games once again. Very well, Yongsun thinks as she sets her tea down, two can play it.

“Hello, Dr. Gorgeous. How are you?” Byulyi says right off the bat. Hoseok excuses himself out of the room, his face hiding a laugh.

“My last name is Kim, I think you may be confused.” Yongsun answers, acting the fool. “I am fine, how have you been?”

“I would have been better if the person I’m complimenting took me seriously, I feel heartbroken.” She says, feigning ignorance.

Yongsun shakes her head to hide the little smile that formed on her lips. “Anyway, let’s talk about something else.” She says, trying to put Byulyi under the spotlight. “How about you tell me a little bit about your sisters?”

“Why would I?” Byulyi asks with a cruel look on her face. “Do you think you deserve to know about them?”

“I do.” Yongsun says, an obstinate look resides on her face. “What are their names?”

“Well, I don’t, so tough luck doc.” She says as she crosses her arms. “Anything else?”

Yongsun raises her eyebrows, she feels a strange feeling crawl up her throat. She’s annoyed. “Well, I was being polite. I know their names. I know their ages and the schools they went to. I know where they work and I also have their contact info, in case I need to ask them about you.” Yongsun sees the change in Byulyi’s eyes, for a second she looks so fragile.

“Do they know about… me?” She asks, her voice small. “My friends told me they would keep this a secret.”

“I did not speak to either of them so I’m not sure if they know.” Yongsun answers truthfully.

“That’s… worrying.” Byulyi answers, her eyes are fixated on the window. “I don’t want them to see me like this.”

“If you don’t want it, then they won’t.” Yongsun reassures. “I understand that you want them to see you as someone to look up to.”

Byulyi scoffs, still not making eye contact. “It’s kind of impossible for me to looked up to at this moment, isn’t it?”

Yongsun shakes her head. “It’s quite the opposite, it takes a lot to confront yourself. The thing that is impossible is to look down on you.” She says, believing every word she uttered.

Byulyi looks at her, her expression not giving away much. A minute passes until Byulyi speaks.

“Can we go and continue our talk outside? It’s a great day.”

Yongsun agrees, her mind in need of a breath of fresh air. She helps Byulyi sit on her chair and leads them to the garden.

“Do you have any siblings, doc?” Byulyi asks, her hands toying with the hem of her shirt.

Yongsun rolls the chair a bit forward. “I have an older sister. I told you, remember?” She says, not actually wanting to speak of the matter. “We’re not that close, not like you and your sisters.”

“I think I ruined that closeness anyway.” Byulyi mutters sadly. “What’s her name, your sister’s?”

“Yonghee.” She answers with a heavy heart. She doesn’t like mentioning her.

“Is there much age difference between you two?”

“Just four. There are other reasons for us to not get along well.” Yongsun shrugs off smoothly, it would be so much better if they talked about anything else. “Where did you study in the US? I don’t remember you talking about there that much?”

“Really? I feel like I must have mentioned it once or twice.” Byulyi answers. “There isn’t much to say. I was happy there, had good friends, a few partners and life was simple.”

Yongsun sighs as she sits on the bench next to Byulyi’s wheelchair. “I really want to go abroad. It would be so much easier to date there. No expectations and all that.”

“If it’s hard for _you_ to date here, then the whole country must be full of singles.” Byulyi says, winking seductively.

Yongsun hides her smile with an eyeroll.

 

//

 

The day starts agonizingly slow for Yongsun, as most of the days go. First, she had to see two new patients who won’t cooperate with her and her bad luck continued when she spilled her coffee all over herself during her first break. Which resulted with her sitting in her sweatpants and Doctor Min’s old jumper in her office while she waits for her next patient. She bites her fingernails in worry when she realizes that’s, coincidentally, Moon Byulyi.

She pretends to be busy to hide the light blush creeping on her neck when Byulyi wheels inside her office, opening the drawers of her desk and taking files out. She doesn’t look to her patient’s direction because of her embarrassment from her inappropriate office wear.

“Oh.” Byulyi exclaims with surprise, “What happened to the blouses?”

Yongsun grimaces as she feels the younger’s teasing tone. She, like every single person, dislikes to be clowned. “I had a little accident with some coffee earlier.” She hastily explains, waving a dismissive hand but not averting her gaze from the files in front of her.

“That’s a shame, you always look rather stunning in those blouses of yours.” Byulyi shamelessly smirks. “But I guess this makes you look cute and small so I can’t really complain.”

Yongsun feels the heat crawl up to her face. She will not give in. “My purpose with clothing isn’t to give aesthetic pleasure to you, Doctor Moon, so I would appreciate if you refrained from using that kind of a language.”

Yongsun finally lifts her head up to make eye contact with Byulyi to assert dominance, but her words die down at her throat at the sight before her. Byulyi is leaning on one side of her wheelchair, smirking at her with satisfaction.

“Where is your hospital gown?” Yongsun manages to blurt out, “And how did you find makeup supplies?”

Byulyi shrugs. “Asked Hoseok.”

Yongsun feels irritation bubbling inside her, along with some other feeling she can’t quite name. “Oh, and did your doctor approve of this?” She asks feverishly.

“Well, Hoseok said maybe it would help me feel better.” Byulyi giggles, “And by the looks of it, my doctor certainly approves.”

This is the breaking point for Yongsun since she slightly gasps, slapping a hand over her mouth immediately after. “Moon Byulyi-sshi!” She scolds before she can help herself, “This is no place to use pick-up lines. As you know, we maintain a strictly platonic doctor-patient relationship. Like I’ve said before, I don’t want a repetition of your actions.”

The annoying smirk on Byulyi’s face breaks like a shattered mirror at last. She fixes her gaze to the ground, a guilty-looking expression evident on her face. She starts to speak with caution, “I know you’re right. I just wanted to…” She pauses for a moment before continuing with a small voice, “I don’t know what I wanted, actually.”

Yongsun sighs with frustration, knowing that she has upset her patient with her harsh words. Why did she had to be so careless? If she wasn’t with Byulyi, she would bury her head in her palms and groan with the feeling of uselessness.

“Perhaps you wanted to feel something…” Yongsun speaks up, going full into the doctor mode. Involving her personal feelings in a case would never end well anyway. “Something that feels more real? Is that why you’ve been trying to get a reaction out of me, Byulyi? Or is it that lately you haven’t been seeing Junghee and felt lonely?”

Byulyi mumbles something similar to ‘I’m sorry.’ but that’s all Yongsun can get for now, Byulyi is once again inside her own shell. Sighing at her own stupid mistake, Yongsun gets up and takes the chair that’s beside Byulyi’s. “It’s okay.” The psychiatrist reassures, gently reaching for Byulyi with growing nervousness in her stomach, like a startled gazelle would move, “I understand.” While her next words aren’t complete lies, Yongsun feels dirty vocalizing them. “It’s not like I don’t enjoy your compliments, I just wish that we could build something more… profound between us. Something more like trust.”

Byulyi moves the hand Yongsun’s approaching to the other side, not looking at her at all. “You’re saying that to make me talk, aren’t you? You don’t really care about me.”

“I do!” Yongsun quickly denies, “I care about every patient I have. That’s why I’m doing this job.”

“And are these the examples of lies you tell yourself?” Byulyi snarls. “Why don’t you just prescribe me with more doses and let us part our ways in peace?”

Yongsun gets up from the chair abruptly, feeling slightly angrier. Moon Byulyi is infuriating. But of course she can’t let that emotion out, so instead, she frowns.

“Alright then. Keep putting words in my mouth that I haven’t even uttered. I bet that will make you happy for a change.” She mutters as she sits down in her own chair once again. “What would you like to talk about then? The weather? The state of the country? Maybe some world news? Or music talk that leads to nowhere? I’m open to all, since we have a lot of time to go and you refuse to do anything else than chat pointlessly.”

“How about you tell me about yourself? I’m still a psychologist, maybe there are some things that lies behind your… behaviours.” Byulyi says, gesturing to her as a whole.

“...How is that appropriate?” Yongsun asks, not really wanting to give a lecture on her life.

“I bet it’s more appropriate than cheap pickup lines and uneasy words.” Byulyi shoots back. “So, how was your childhood?”

“Normal. I had both of my parents and sister at the time. Had a nice home which I lived in until I moved to Bucheon to work in this hospital. That’s pretty much it.”

“How’s your relationship with your parents?” Byulyi asks as if Yongsun is the one who’s receiving treatment.

“My dad left, mom’s dead. I don’t have a relationship with them other than one-sided phone calls to mom occasionally.” She says, huffing to move the strand of hair that is falling to her face.

“Why can’t you get along with your sister?”

“Because she hates lesbians and I like them very much.” Yongsun says and takes advantage of the stunned silence that Byulyi provides. “Now, can I ask some questions?”

Byulyi stays silent for an extra moment, looking as if calculating the situation. Then she nods.

“How was your childhood?” Yongsun asks with a little smile.

“Normal-ish. Had both parents. Had a big house that was full of strangers. I lived there until I got sick of the beatings. You know the rest.” Byulyi talks with boredom in her voice. “My life is pretty much old news at this point.”

“I’m up for some nostalgia.” Yongsun says with a hint of amusement in her voice.

“What else do you want?” Byulyi asks, eyes boring into Yongsun’s orbs, “I already told you everything.”

Yongsun taps her fingers on her desk impatiently, telling herself that she got this. “Or do you want me to do the talking?” She inquires, upon not getting a reply she goes on, “You have fundamental problems triggered by the your family circumstances. In which resulted with you having trust, anger and self-acceptance issues. I am here to work you through those, I am not some enemy to be seduced and destroyed like you think I am.”

The silence pierces the room, with the two women eyeing and sizing each other up like two wild animals battling for dominance. The clock ticks ten times until a winner emerges with a victorious smile on her face.

“You’re right.” Byulyi admits at last, lowering her head in a wistful acceptance, “I am only making things hard for you. I know why you’re spending your time on me, caring about me but I just can’t… I can’t come to terms with my own reality. I don’t want to wake up, I feel content where I am in my mind and outside just brings me pain and hatred. I appreciate you but I don’t want to be ‘better’ if all that’s gonna happen, when I get out of here and go back to my old life, is to feel the exclusion and hatred while getting more beating for being myself.”

Nodding in understanding, Yongsun starts to take notes on a blank paper she had found. “So, you are saying that your uncooperativeness is due to the fact that you’re unwilling to go outside of the hospital, and confront your relatives, particularly your mother.”

“Exactly.”

Yongsun lets go of the pen, lost in her thoughts for a moment before answering back. “In the eyes of the law you’re an adult, right? You will be able to seperate yourself from them if you want.”

“What about my sisters then?” Byulyi wonders, “I can’t leave them with her.”

“Isn’t that what you’re doing now?” Yongsun fires back, then proceeds to pore over her files, “One of your sisters is legally an adult and the other is almost 18. If you manage to get better and get out of here, you three will be able to start a new life together.”

Yongsun patiently waits as Byulyi is silent for a while as if she’s weighing her options. Her voice cracks when she speaks again. “Am I really hiding in here? How much of a worthless, selfish person am I?”

Yongsun gets up to pour Byulyi a glass of water, like she always do to her patients when they get choked up. “Byulyi, you can’t be selfless all the time.” She explains, “It’s not healthy at all and it’s normal for you to want to protect yourself. We all have defence-mechanisms.” She brings the cup to Byulyi, who takes it with a grateful nod and chugs it down in one go, “But if your ultimate goal includes protecting your sisters, I suggest you start taking our sessions seriously. I only want to help you and assist you as you get rid of Junghee and all that has come with her but if you aren’t willing, there isn’t much I can do. You know better than any other patient of mine that when the subject matter is the mind, your willingness and consent comes before anything else.”

Byulyi lifts her chin up, eyes meeting with her doctor’s bravely. “I haven’t seen Junghee since I’ve told you everything. She occasionally sends me a few texts, she sometimes speaks to me but I’ve been refusing to see her. She tricks me, she isn’t real but why can’t I accept that fully? Why can’t she just leave me alone?” She asks, tears in her eyes are glistening with the sunlight that is shining on her from the window. “Why can’t I get rid of her? I don’t want to be her psychologist, I don’t want to be her friend. I don’t even want to be acquaintances. I just want her gone from my life. But why isn’t that happening?”

“If you let me help you cut all your ties with her, you can. I know you can Byulyi-yah.” Yongsun says with a sympathetic smile. “Trust me and we will get through this together.”

Byulyi gives a coy smile before looking down again. “Believe me, there’s no one I trust more in the world right now.”

For the first time, it’s enough for Yongsun to work on.

 

//

 

Yongsun steps out of the shower, getting greeted by the cold air of her apartment. She shivers slightly, seeing that she forgot to close the door when she got in. She shrugs to herself, she lives all alone anyway.

Her thoughts are lingering at the edges of her consciousness as she stares into the semi-foggy mirror, two towels are draped over her as if to hide her from the rest of the world. Yongsun knows she can’t hide forever.

After a staring contest with herself, she manages to tear her eyes away from the mirror. Her slow and distracted steps lead her to the kitchen, a hot cup of coffee is waiting for her in the machine that keeps beeping.

Sighing she walks towards the shelf where she keeps the mugs. She smiles with exhaustion as she grabs the cup that reads ‘Best Psychiatrist in the World’. Her little patient thought too much of her when she gifted her that.

Yongsun tries to go back in her own mind and find out what exactly went wrong in her life to end up this lonely and miserable. She isn’t exactly the type to wallow in her own despair but at times she feels as if she’s just wasting her life away.

She takes the mug in her hand and settles in front of the window, the faint music from the record player mocking her with a sappy love song.

She just wants… something to live for. No, that’s not right. She is living for herself. She wants… something else. Something exciting in an ordinary way. She wants some stars to shine in the night that she calls life.

Dismissing her own cliche thoughts, she gets up from her cushion, her drink is left beside the window. She has to write herself down before she drowns, that is her way of handling existence.

She quickly throws on some shorts and a hoodie before sitting down at her table, pen and journal in her hand.

She parts the notebook to see where she left off. The journal is about to run out of pages, as it seems.

She writes the date down without thinking, words already clogging up her mind to be the first ones to go down on the paper.

 

_Today was a day of progress for Byulyi. At the beginning of our session, she was strangely flirty as she is in general lately. However some words were exchanged and by the end of the time we spent, she was significantly better. I feel some kind of attachment to her, maybe it’s because our ages are close? It was annoying when she was pestering me with her endless flirting, I’ll admit. But at the same time it was kind of… cute?_

 

Yongsun stops writing and shakes her head until those kind of thoughts go away.

_But at the same time it was kind of…_ _~~cute~~? _ _Disturbing. She’s my patient and I should NOT feel affected by her childish attempts of dodging proper treatment. Yet why do I redden when she looks at me with a wishful expression? Why do I feel this stupid excitement when I realize that I have a session booked with her next? I am smart enough to admit that this… whatever this is, is not a healthy way to feel about a patient._ _~~I can’t permit myself to write here how charming I find her sometimes or how sweet she talks when she’s calmed down~~. _ _I can’t say the things I have on my mind._

 

She stops writing altogether, shocked at the sentences that her own brain comes up with. No, this can’t be happening, Yongsun denies, this is impossibly inappropriate and Yongsun refuses to believe that she’s that poor excuse of a doctor. She scratches out the whole paragraph, shaking her head simultaneously. Maybe this is just one of those nights where she feels exceptionally lonely, maybe it’s messing with her mind enough to scribble down those things about Byulyi. Yes, that must be it, she concludes and decides to look over to the previous pages of her journal, to remind herself that she can’t _-doesn’t-_ feel that way about Moon Byulyi.

 

But, as if to prove her self-honesty wrong, the pages smirk back at her with scratched out words like ‘cute’, ‘charming’, ‘beautiful’, ‘unique’ and ‘enticing’. She shakes her head to a point where an outsider would be concerned but she doesn’t have the privilege to worry about others at the moment. She feels wrong. She feels like an abuser.

All of those words, those thoughts have crossed her mind at some point, proving that she is emotionally maybe even romantically involved with her own patient. She feels like vomiting.

 _Maybe it’s not that big of a deal_ , says the part of her brain who is also responsible for those crossed out words on the paper, _you didn’t act upon it_. Yongsun can’t trust herself at that moment.

 _You should just quit and run away_ , says the other part of her mind which has always been a coward and very much in control, _you betrayed her trust and your profession with these disgusting feelings._

 _You can continue and let these feeling die in the corner of your heart,_ says another although her voice is not that strong, _what happens inside doesn’t have to affect your actions_.

 _Your judgement and performance as a psychiatrist is getting clouded,_ says her reason, _just drop the case and distance yourself._

 _I don’t know what to do_ , says Yongsun, her head between her hands and her sanity feeling lost.

Sound of ticks from the clock fill the room with an uneasy feeling. She closes her eyes tightly to shut down the world around her. If she pretended that nothing happened for long enough maybe, just maybe things would get better by themselves.

Clock ticks once again, Yongsun is confronted by the bitter reality; it doesn’t.

Yongsun gets up from where she crouched down and grabs the journal once again, her tired eyes traveling across pages once more.

Fury fills her up slowly.

How could she let this happen?

Was she this pathetic?

Was she this desperate to have someone love her?

Couldn’t she find someone who was normal?

Yongsun freezes with her movements, her own thoughts shocking her again. She can’t believe that she just casted Byulyi aside like that. Normal? She feels disgusting.

Her fingers clutch the journal and her steps take her to the kitchen, her usual route is disrupted by her frantic state.

She looks around, feeling like a murderer with blood on her hands, looking for something to clean herself.

The lighter that lies beside the oven stares at her with innocence. She grabs it with a sharp move and as she moves towards the sink the fire alarm comes to her mind. She can’t set anyone off.

She throws the notebook and the lighter in her bag and grabs her car keys.

She speeds on the semi-empty roads, the dirty truth radiating from her bag is overwhelming. She constantly looks around to see a place to burn her secret, to let her feeling cease from existence but the city is too crowded. She has to go to a place that’s discreet, a place that she can run away from her own reality. She drives and drives until she can’t see anything but the road and the night before her, and then finally comes to a stop. She quickly checks her phone, seeing it’s already 4 o’clock. Yongsun runs a hand through her hair with frustration, and takes her journal from the passenger seat, her feet meeting the sandy ground of the seaside. Even holding the small notebook in her hands repels her, firing up the uneasy feeling in her stomach. She gets out of the car with determination to put an end to this ridiculous affair. Grabbing the lighter, she says a final farewell to her hidden desires.

She opens random pages and flicks her lighter. Gentle stroke of the flames licks the pages and spreads like a disease. Her words burn out of existence as she feels her burden worsen somehow. She can’t tear her eyes away from the fire that slowly but surely engulfs the journal, her past year getting erased right in front of her yet her memories are much more heavy in her mind.

She shudders out of her trance when she feels the burn on her fingers, letting go of the journal and watching it hit the sand below her feet. She just wants to run into the sea in front of her and swim until her country disappears from her vision.

Instead she lays down next to the burning notebook, her feet getting wet with the gentle tides of the sea that is trying to comfort her. She just watches the notebook burn until it’s a pile of ashes.

She feels like a pile of flesh herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how do you guys like the story so far?
> 
> also, apologies to real-life byulyi's real-life mother c:


	7. Relapse

Kim Yongsun tries to straighten her wrinkled white coat and looks at herself in the mirror. It always used to start out like this. She got up at an unreasonably early hour to get herself ready, it helped to have time to one’s self in a profession like hers. At least she did that before she felt herself slipping away. 

Her day started out neutral, she woke up at the same exact time she does every morning, pressed a few buttons on her coffee machine and had a quick, cold shower while her beverage got ready. After that, she sat in her living room, hair still wet and dripping onto her shoulders, listening to nothing and staring into nothing.

She had closed her eyes, feeling the uneasy warmth radiating from her cup, letting the void fill her mind as she tries to avoid thinking about Byulyi. 

She shakes her head to dismiss the darkness which have spilled all over her mind, she checks her hair in the mirror for the last time. All of the strands are gathered in a simple ponytail that has the sole purpose of looking not-disturbed as possible.

She walks through the corridors of the hospital after her abrupt leave which she took 3 weeks ago, right after she transferred the case to Yoongi in a hurry. She wanted to get away from there, Byulyi, even if it was only just for three weeks. 

She passes through the intense care ward, listening to the moanings and groans of the patients from the other side of their locked doors, feeling nothing for the first time in her career. What did she do to herself? 

She continues with her day, retaking every one of her cases except Byulyi from the colleagues that looked after her.  

She speaks to Insoo, trying her hardest to get through to him, not letting herself focus on anything else then the patient in front of her. 

He doesn’t budge. 

Then later that day she has a session with Chaewon, she is unresponsive. 

Her time with Minjoon doesn’t work out too well either, later that week. 

Her slump goes on for weeks, dark clouds never leaving her. 

She wonders if she’ll ever be able to help someone heal again. Or did Byulyi take away that from her?

She doesn’t know and doesn’t feel like knowing either.

 

//

 

“Yongsun-sshi, wait up!” 

She quickens her steps. 

“Yongsun-sshi!”

Can’t he just leave her alone? 

“For God’s sake, Yongsun noona!” 

She sighs.

“Oh, hi Yoongi.” She says, as if she didn’t hear him yelling her name before. “Look, I’m really busy right now, can we talk later?”

Yoongi rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. “Oh? Busy? Like you’ve been for the last couple of weeks?”

“Yes. Thank you for understanding.” She says and turns around to rush to her office. She hears him enter after her. 

Why can’t the universe let her wallow in her misery? 

“What is going on with you?” He asks with an annoyingly concerned tone. “You’ve been acting strange since you begged me to take away your locked box of a case.”

Yongsun’s eyebrows shot up immediately at Yoongi’s implication. “What about her? Her condition has been getting better.”

Yoongi scowls. “Better, you say? She doesn’t even speak to me! All she does is asking where you are, Yongsun-sshi.”

Mouth parting upon hearing the horrible news, Yongsun loses her trail of thoughts for a split second. Gathering her strength, she forces out an answer. “What do you mean? She doesn’t speak to you at all?”

“Well, she mumbles sometimes. Which I’m assuming that’s not directed to me but the imaginary person.” Yoongi explains, his face is filled with uneasiness. Yongsun can tell that he’s uncomfortable with the state of his -their- patient. His tone goes lower as he moves closer to Yongsun,  “You know, I’m aware that I’m not supposed to say this but… what is the real reason you dropped the case? I know it’s not because you wanted a vacation like you said.”

Yongsun stops breathing all together, her face heats up with the flames that she started to burn down her secret. “I… I can’t… I can’t tell you.”

This only makes Yoongi worry more. “Noona…” He whispers, “You look drained, sick even. Don’t bottle things up, you should know that that makes it worse.” 

“Letting it all out will cost me my job, my life and my dignity and what is the pay off? I get to lessen my burden a bit? No thanks.” Yongsun says feverishly. “I dug myself into this shit, I should be able to take it.” 

Yoongi scoffs. “Then going by your logic, you would think half of our patients should be able to take it, since they caused their problems.” He argues. “Just tell me. Not as a colleague, not as a psychiatrist, but as a friend and a shoulder to cry on. Please.”

Yongsun frowns, his logic and sincerity beating her stubbornness. “Fine. But not here. Meet me after your shift. Let’s go and drink.” She says, settling at her desk. “I’d rather be drunk when having  _ that _ conversation.” 

Yoongi seems finally convinced as he nods and grabs the door handle. “I know we haven’t been friends for a long time but I don’t want you to think twice before knocking on my door to have a heart-to-heart, noona.”

The door shuts gently after him. 

 

//

 

“Okay, now it’s time for you to spill.” Yoongi says as he watches Yongsun down one more glass of soju. 

Yongsun doesn’t feel drunk enough yet. She reaches for the bottle only to be stopped by a concerned Yoongi. “Noona.” he warns. “You can die from alcohol poisoning y’know. And if that happens, I’ll die without knowing this mystery of yours. So, spill.”

Yongsun sighs and retracks her hand from the bottle. “Fine, fine. You pushy little fucker.” She groans, her words slurring. Yoongi rolls his eyes. “I’m in love.” 

There is a silence that follows. Yoongi gulps his drink uncomfortably. 

“With me or…?” He asks with fear in his eyes. 

Yongsun just wants to disappear. “Of course not… Why would I be in love with you?” 

“Wow. That’s flattering, thanks.” He says with a mock-frown. But Yongsun knows he is relieved. 

“I know you like Hoseok anyways.” She says sneaking herself another glass. “He likes you too by the way.” 

Yoongi’s face reddens yet his expression stays serious. “Forget about my life, who are you in love with and why it’s such a bad thing?” 

“Seriously? Can’t you piece things together?” The older of the two asks, disbelief evident in her voice. His face looks puzzled for a second, only to get replaced by epiphany. Then comes the shock. 

“No…” He just says, looking at her with a hopeful expression that begs her to deny his suspicions. “Tell me I’m wrong, noona.”

“I wish I could, kiddo. But I can’t.” She says pouring both of them another glass. 

“How? Why? For how long? Did you…?” He lines his questions up for her to answer. 

“If you’re implying what I think you are, you better stop. I’m not an abuser or a pervert. She knows nothing.” Yongsun says before he can finish his sentence. “I don’t know how. It just developed over time. She charmed her way into my heart unintentionally and I let her… unprofessionally. I didn’t tell a soul, I burned my diary after I’ve realized what I’ve wrote in it. Not something perverted or anything, don’t look at me like that, just evidences of me being a love sick puppy.”

Yoongi sighs loudly as he leans back. “So that’s why you left in such a hurry? Understandable, I guess…” He reasons. “What are you going to do now? I don’t want to pressure you but you can’t just abandon a patient who clearly bonded with you and trusted you.” 

Yongsun groans and bangs her head to the table repeatedly between each word, letting regret and worry take over her. “Why. Can’t. I. Just. Disappear?” 

Yoongi puts his hand between her and the table, stopping her from doing more damage. “Noona, I think you should at least help me with the case, watch one of our sessions from an observation room. Give me pointers so I can get to her and help her.” He suggests, taking her glass away in the process. 

“I.. I can do that.” She replies, a faint smile resides on her face as if she found a shortcut to life. “We should watch a few key sessions of ours together for you to understand her fully.”

 

//

 

“So, Byulyi-sshi, how are you today? Feeling chatty, I hope.” Yoongi says in a calm, genuine voice as he sits in the chair across Byulyi, who looks worse than Yongsun remembers her ever being. Her bones stick out from her skin, there are dark circles under her eyes, her hair is neglected into a ponytail. “If you are wondering why we aren’t in my office, it got flooded so I have to use this room while they clean it out.” 

Byulyi looks bored as if she would rather be anywhere else in the world. “Is Dr. Kim back yet?” She asks loud and clear. Yongsun feels her heart skip a beat and then she curses herself for being so easy to be affected. 

Yoongi’s eyebrow twitches for a second before he answers. “I don’t have a clue.” He says smiling. “May I ask you a few questions?” 

Byulyi visibly loses interest and draws her legs to her torso, mumbling under her breath. Her eyes are focused on the spot right beside her, presumably where Junghee is sitting. 

Yoongi looks a bit disheartened to continue but he looks towards the glass where Yongsun is observing from the other side and takes a deep breath. “May I ask you what made you decide to keep up your ‘relationship’ with Seunghoon-sshi for so long?”

Byulyi’s head whips towards him so fast that both Yoongi and Yongsun are surprised. Yoongi looks towards the glass for a second again. Byulyi follows his gaze. 

“Why are you lying?” She asks with anger oozing from her voice. “You spoke to her and she told you about him.” 

Yoongi shakes his head. “No, I simply read her notes and watched a few sessions.” 

Byulyi gets up angrily from her seat, her legs shaking under her little-to-no weight. “You invaded our privacy.” 

“They are medical reports that are legally given to me. As your doctor, I’m supposed to read them.”

“I DON’T NEED A DOCTOR! I’M COMPLETELY FINE! YOU ARE ALL LUNATICS AND I’M THE ONLY SANE ONE HERE!” She starts yelling, tensing both of the observers. “All I wanted to do was to live but everyone feels like they can exert their control over my fucking life! I want to get out of here, I want to move far away where there is no one but me! Let me out so I can rest in peace!”

Yoongi nervously shifts in his seat, not letting anything show on his face. Yongsun is consumed by the bitter truth that she caused this. “Byulyi-sshi, I understand your frustrations but angrily lashing out won’t help your case. Please calm down.” 

Byulyi doesn’t calm down. She suddenly turns towards the glass, hurrying towards it and the Yongsun behind the glass. 

“You! I know you’re watching! Coward! Why won’t you face me? Why did you leave me? Why are you abandoning me like everyone else? Did I drove you away like my mom said I would? Did me being a flirty lesbian disgust you that much? “ Byulyi asks with tears all over her face, she’s holding onto the glass, her whole body shaking. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that I’m a heathen in your eyes! Just a fucked up psychologist that also happens to be a lesbian! I’m sorry for hitting on you! I’m sorry for thinking that you’re beautiful and smart! I’m sorry for being…”

She suddenly stops talking between her hiccups and lets her weight carry her down to the floor. 

Yoongi hurries to her side, helping the semi-unconscious Byulyi, who keeps mumbling out apologies, to her wheelchair. He calls for Hoseok and they usher her out to her room. 

Yongsun feels like collapsing too. 

 

//   
  


“You should take her case back.” Yoongi says as they sit and share a cup of tea in his office. “You saw her. She’s attached to you. She won’t open up to me.” 

Even though Yongsun knows there is nobody here other than them, she keeps her voice down in the form of a hushed whisper.

“Her being attached to me isn’t necessarily a good thing. Her words sounded like she was obsessed. I don’t want to make it worse.” She replies with a heavy sigh from the bottom of her heart. “I might not be the right person for her.” 

“As a doctor or…?” Yoongi asks jokingly, getting a well deserved punch from Yongsun to his arm. 

“I can’t just drop and pick up a case as I please, people will ask questions.” Yongsun adds to the list of reasons she shouldn’t see Byulyi again. She wonders if she could open up to the ethics committee about this, and decides on not mentioning it ever again. Even she’s surprised to see her shame outweigh her affection. It makes her more disgusted with herself. She can’t even love someone right, all she had done up to now was hurting everyone involved. She flinches when she gets reminded of Byulyi’s fragile state from before, her heart breaks for her. 

“She might hurt herself to get your attention. Have you considered that?” The younger doctor protests once again, “She clearly prefers your guidance over mine.”

Yongsun shakes her head disbelievingly, her faith in the progress they’ve made never wavering. “She never self-harmed before, even when she was in her worst condition.” 

“Isn’t this her worst condition?” 

“I hope not.” 

 

It’s this blind trust that makes Yongsun shocked to see Hoseok barging into her office accompanied by a distressed Yoongi a few days later, telling her that there was an issue with Byulyi. Yoongi’s eyes bore holes into Yongsun’s as he explains, “She stabbed herself.”

“What happened?” Yongsun asks in a half-yelling voice. She suddenly shoots up from her desk, worry taking over her, “How could she do this to herself? Where did she get something sharp?”

“There wasn’t anything sharp in the room. She broke her Ipod and stabbed her leg with its glass.” Hoseok answers, as they make their way down the corridor to the door that leads to a sedated Byulyi with a forlorn expression. “I don’t know how she managed to break it like that when she can’t even get up unaided.”

“How is she now?” Yongsun inquires with a delirious concern growing inside her, “Is it serious?”

“No, she’s okay now, her wound is all patched-up.” Hoseok affirms, “But God knows what she would do if I walked in a minute later.”

Yoongi watches his patient from the window with a mix of emotions displayed on his face. “Are you convinced now?” 

Yongsun sighs. “Yoongi…” 

Her head feels dizzy, not being able to pay attention to anything other than Byulyi. Yoongi being right about everything leaves a bitter taste in her mouth, Byulyi hurting herself with the device that Yongsun gave her months ago makes it even worse. 

Everything seems so wrong.

“Dr. Kim, please take the case back. If you’re not feeling comfortable or confident enough, let’s go to the ethics committee, explain the situation with its every detail and let them decide.” Yoongi says, his seriousness is evident. 

“Do I have a choice, Dr. Min?” She shoots back angrily. “Let’s let them decide then.”

 

//   
  


It all comes down to this.

“Here we are again, Byulyi-sshi.” Yongsun says, very much aware of the group of her colleagues observing their session from the other side of the glass. This is her punishment for being a bad doctor. “I heard you caused some trouble when I was gone.” 

This was the decision the ethics committee made. Yongsun feels drained, ashamed and all together worse. She had told all of her colleagues that she fell in love with a patient that got attached to her to a point where she hurt herself to get her attention. 

What a psychiatrist she was. 

“I didn’t. Junghee did.” Byulyi says with a stubborn expression. “She hates you and punished me for trying to reach out to you. She broke your Ipod and stabbed me with it. We’re not really on speaking terms right now…”

Yongsun’s surprised that Byulyi didn’t comment on her absence in her life, but then again the younger woman is not exactly in her right mind at the moment.

“Is she here, in this room?” Yongsun asks her with curiosity, referring to Junghee. Byulyi is under medication at the moment, she shouldn’t be seeing her. Yongsun averts her gaze from Byulyi’s eyes, the less she sees the less she feels. She clicks her pen to take notes instead.

“No, she just texted me once since she stabbed me and never showed up. She might be guilt-ridden.” Byulyi says, rubbing her leg. Yongsun’s heart sinks at the tiny gesture. 

“I think you should cut her off for good. She’s clearly not good for you. Who stabs their therapist?” Yongsun tries to reason with her, shaking her head. They went back months of progress, as it seems.

“Maybe I should… She made a lot of things worse, didn’t she?” Byulyi asks, mostly to herself. 

“That is my opinion as your doctor and a friend.” 

“I feel like I should trust you, doc.” Byulyi says with a genuine smile. “I will try to make you happy.”

Yongsun feels like relapsing herself. 

 


	8. For the Greater Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey people!   
> this is the last chapter of this ff except the epilogue, it has been an intresting journey for us to write something like this, so we hope you enjoyed it along the ride. 
> 
> We plan on posting the epilogue in like a week or so, but other than that bye for now :)

****

“Aaand, that concludes our session.” Yongsun says with a huge smile plastered on her face for Byulyi’s sake, she feels like crying for some reason, “It was a nice two years knowing you, Byulyi-sshi.”

“You too, doc.” Byulyi answers with an identical expression. She can’t hide the admiration she feels for the older woman no matter how hard she tries. “You’ve helped me a lot.” 

“Aw, give yourself some credit.” Yongsun waves a dismissive hand, “You truly are amazing. You are one of the strongest people I know, and-” The psychiatrist stops herself before she says more, her colleagues are still watching their sessions behind the glass after all. “Yeah, Byulyi-sshi, it was an honor to meet you.”

Feeling her face redden, Byulyi lowers her head. “Likewise.” Then she decides on lightening up the mood a little, “But don’t speak like we’ll never see eachother again. I still have a long way to go, you know. I’m still a resident of this hospital.”

Yongsun rewards her attempt with a silent chuckle. “Yeah, but you’ve made notable progress over the years. You’ll be out of here soon. I’m proud of you.” She has this hopeful grin on her face along with something Byulyi can’t quite put into words.

Byulyi shoots her a longing look, knowing she can’t get close to her, because those are the rules. The rules that were made by Yongsun. Still, some glimmer of hope is alive inside Byulyi. Some little piece of optimism that is fueled by the way Yongsun looks at her sometimes. She’s been accustomed to read between the lines with the older woman.

“Thank you.” Byulyi answers from the bottom of her heart.

 

* * *

 

“So, what did you think about it?” Yongsun asks her.

They are walking side by side in the garden, an activity they’ve found themselves doing quite regularly these days. Being away from the restrictive walls of Yongsun’s office gives Byulyi joy, she never liked the place even though that’s where she had spent most of her time with Yongsun. 

She takes a moment to collect her thoughts. “I don’t know.” She starts truthfully, “The article had some valid points, sure, but I just find it a bit silly.”

Each week they discuss a new topic about psychology, it polished Byulyi’s brain. She watches Yongsun frown slightly.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… it talks about supposed love at first sight, right? I just think that’s too much of an unpredictable variable, therefore there’s no way of truly measuring it and writing an accurate scientific article about it.”

Yongsun nods. “It’s true, what you said. But I gave you that one because I wanted to talk about something else.”

Byulyi turns to her, attention piqued. “Go on.”

Her psychiatrist gives her a shy smile before averting her eyes. “What do you think about love?”

“Love?” Byulyi repeats, in awe of the sudden question, “I’m not sure… about what love means. For me or anyone else.”  _ Maybe it’s you _ , she quietly thinks,  _ maybe it’s me for you too.  _ “There is so much I haven’t seen in the world, so much I haven’t experienced. So, I can’t give you a sole definite answer.”

Yongsun’s looking at her funny, as if she’s fearful of Byulyi explaining her feelings further yet she still wants to hear it. Byulyi feels her heart clench under the heaviness of the doctor’s gaze, wishing she could’ve understood the unspoken words between them. However she’s met with an invisible wall between them, shielding both from their bitter feelings.

“So, you say you’ve never been in love before?” Yongsun inquires with curious eyes. Beneath that look lies the never-ending suffering of the woman. 

Feeling the need to escape Yongsun’s burning stare, Byulyi settles on playing with the hem of her hospital gown instead. “I’m not exactly saying that. I just think I wouldn’t know how to distinguish my feelings from one another. Admiration, affection, appreciation, lust or whatsoever.”

“What if you felt all of them for a person?”

Byulyi shrugs, refusing to contemplate on the intensity of her feelings towards the older woman. “What about you? Have you ever been in love?”

A beat of silence settles between them before Yongsun picks the conversation up again. Byulyi isn’t able to decide if she should worry about Yongsun’s soon-to-come answer.

Yongsun’s tone is sure when she answers proudly. “Yes. Yes, I have.”

Byulyi sees her watching her with the corner of her eye, it gives her butterflies in the stomach. “Really? When?”

“I’m in love now.” Yongsun expresses, making Byulyi fully turn to her. She looks in peace like that, Byulyi thinks, all surrounded by the greens of the garden and the pink of her cheeks. Byulyi’s heart only aches for a split second at the sudden revelation, and then it stops hurting so much when she stares at the woman before her, replacing itself with a kind but firm feeling of comfort. She takes pride in having witnessed a sight so ethereal in the end, she’s content she’s spent those moments alongside Yongsun.

“You seem happy.” Byulyi comments when she successfully unties the knot in her throat, “I’m glad.” 

Yongsun laughs, taking Byulyi’s hand to lead her to the nearest bench. For a moment, once again, it’s so easy to imagine the two of them in a casual setting, maybe taking a walk at a park nearby. She amuses herself with the thought before coming back to reality. It hurts to accept that her imagination is limited to her head. 

“I am bittersweet.” Yongsun admits, flowers blooming from the corners of her lips, “Even though that person and I aren’t together, it gives me great joy having met them.”

“Seeing you happy is nice.” 

Byulyi means it.

 

* * *

 

She shouldn’t have eaten the chicken at the cafeteria the other day. She really shouldn’t have. 

Hoseok comes into her room with a grimace after knocking . He rushes to her side to tie her hair up in a loose ponytail, Byulyi would appreciate the gesture if she wasn’t busy puking her guts out. 

“This is it.” She mumbles dramatically after she’s done, “This is how I die.”

Despite the disgusting smell of the room Hoseok manages to crack a small smile as he helps Byulyi up and accompanies her to the safety of her bed, tucking her in. 

“I’ll send a janitor in.” Hoseok assures, “You should rest a bit. Also, Doctor Kim said it’s okay if you don’t take your medicine again, y’know after you threw up. But you should press the emergency button immediately if something out of the ordinary happens, okay? I’ll bring some medicine for your stomach.”

Byulyi nods with the last ounce of energy she has and watches Hoseok go out and close the door behind him. She feels her stomach rumble again, maybe it is time for a nap.

When she wakes up there’s a figure sitting by her bedside, she waits a few seconds for her hazy state of mind to fully comprehend her surroundings and yelps when she realizes who it is.

“Y-you are not real.” Byulyi whispers, blinking as she hopes that Junghee will go away. The girl -the hallucination- only gives her a sad smile in return, standing up only when she catches Byulyi’s eyes on hers.

“Hello, unnie.” Junghee greets her, “How have you been?”

Byulyi averts her gaze, scared that acknowledging her will only make it worse. But then she spots something that makes her look at Junghee.

“Ah,” The girl chuckles, “This is my luggage. I’m going back to my hometown, unnie, being an idol wasn’t really cut out for me. Stress almost got to me as a trainee, who knows what would happen if I actually debuted.”

Byulyi knows that her brain is making up excuses because she won’t see Junghee ever again, she knows this is all a hallucination. Still, she answers, “So, this is goodbye.”

Junghee nods. “It really is. I’m sorry I haven’t been good to you, unnie, I wish you all the best in life.”

Byulyi stares at her for one last time, trying to memorize the face of her downfall, despite her common sense. “Thank you.”

Byulyi’s eyes follow her movements as Junghee grabs her luggage and gets out of the room without even making eye contact again. 

It really is the end.

 

* * *

 

Byulyi eventually leaves the hospital. They both knew what was coming but Yongsun feels like she couldn’t have prepared for it even she knew a thousand years ago. 

Living with a bad feeling about what’s coming up is exhausting, Yongsun thinks to herself, it’s even worse when it’s mixed with the horrifying blurriness of the future. Ever since she told Byulyi that she is ready to depart from the hospital, she’s been living with this numbness inside her chest. Back then Byulyi had said that she wasn’t expecting it to be so soon, but Yongsun is smart enough to know that the younger is just reluctant to part from the hospital she’s stayed in for so long, two years and six months to be exact. If Yongsun is feeling this scared over Byulyi’s leave, how does it affect Byulyi?, Yongsun wonders, she must be terrified. She’s proud of her, of her courage to stand tall before the world that had been so cruel to her once again. Yet, she’s aware that with each one-on-one session after Byulyi’s departure from the hospital, Byulyi’s frail state and her cautious stance vanishes, leaving the two of the with something that’s raw Byulyi. Yongsun is glad to witness the growth in her, but it kills her to not be able to congratulate her, ask her if she’s been eating well, how is she holding up. 

She goes home one night, precisely two months after Byulyi’s departure from the hospital, and slumps down to her couch. She doesn’t want to do  _ something _ , but not doing  _ anything  _ is a little too suffocating for her. She turns on the television to make herself feel a little less empty, filling the room with the sound of a meaningless program. Some idol group giggles among themselves and start to describe their new song with pretentious pre-written words, Yongsun’s eyes lifelessly follow the broadcast. Sometimes she wishes she was completely devoid of emotions and thoughts, free of all the existential worries. She shifts on the couch until she’s lying down, letting her feet dangle from the edge. The sense of blankness doesn’t disappear but she tries to wash it over with happy thoughts, very much like a five year old trying to jump and reach the ceiling, knowing she won’t ever succeed.

Because she is still affected by the same thought process, she isn’t really surprised when she sees Byulyi linger for a moment longer in her office after their weekly session ends. She just questioningly turns to her direction, allowing her to speak.

The woman, her patient, looks nervous, continuously gazing into other places where Yongsun can’t get into her point of view. She gathers her courage in the end and stares directly into Yongsun’s eyes as if she wants to take a look at her soul.

“I need to tell you something.” 

Even though her voice is nothing more than a whisper, it is clear enough. Yongsun feels a shiver upon hearing Byulyi, the thing she feared is suddenly here and Yongsun is helpless. She gulps and tells Byulyi to go on.

“Ah, it’s a little embarrassing to say it like this.” Byulyi fumbles, a hand rubbing her nape in an automatic motion, “It’s been a while since I… I’ve been thinking… Maybe you shouldn’t be my psychiatrist anymore.”

Yongsun is genuinely surprised at the direction their conversation is heading. “And why is that?”

“Because… Because I think we should date!”

Even though she had been expecting this, Yongsun gapes at Byulyi’s direct delivery. She takes her head between her hands and collapses on the chair in front of Byulyi’s. There is a symphony inside her heart, opposed to the warning screams of her mind. She lets out a frustrated scowl, and then turns to Byulyi whose hopeful expression falls at last, replaced by the face of a scolded child.

“Byulyi… Byulyi,” Yongsun murmurs a few times, not finding the right words to express herself, “Byul-ah, I can’t do that.”

She sees Byulyi break down, she had came to know her so well that she can read her from the furrow of a brow now. The younger is devastated, Yongsun can tell. Still, she is considerate as always, since she mumbles politely, “Can I ask why?”

Yongsun tenses as she replies, trying not to avoid the pleading eyes in front of her. “Because I love you.” The confession that she had longed to let Byulyi know falls smoothly out of her lips like a summer breeze, “And I think you love me too.”

She sees the glimmer of hope settling inside Byulyi’s orbs again, the ghost of a smile evident on her lips even though the patient tries her best to conceal it. “Then what’s wrong?” She questions, leaning forward to be a little closer to Yongsun.

Yongsun uses every bit of her strength to not fall apart under Byulyi’s captivating gaze, she almost gives up and throws herself into Byulyi’s arms but no, she has to do the right thing for both of their sakes. 

“For almost three years, I’m the only person you talked regularly.” She starts to explain, not even she is sure how she sounds so calm, there is a tempest inside her mind, “And we had -have- a patient-doctor relationship for years. I just don’t think it would be healthy for us now.”

Yongsun sees her whole world crack with each word she mutters, and she endures it. “The thing you perceive as love… what if it’s just admiration… or gratitude? It would be unethical to take advantage of that. I don’t want you to get stuck in another unhealthy relationship.”

She sees the protest in Byulyi’s pupils before she even opens her mouth. “Do you think I would hurt you? Do you still think I’m unstable?”

“No, Byul, it’s not that.” Yongsun argues back with the last ounce of courage she got left, “I want you to be happy, but I know that I can’t give you that now. Believe me, I want to be with you but there are more important things than my needs, like your health.”

Byulyi looks frustrated, looking at Yongsun with empty eyes. “So, this is your answer?”

Averting her eyes, Yongsun nods. She has to be strong, she has to be reasonable. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“Then… this is goodbye.” Byulyi says, voice cracking up a little, “I, uhm, I was planning on moving to countryside if things didn't work out so…”

Yongsun’s mouth hangs open from the sudden news. “Byulyi… you-” She’s so close to asking her to stay but she stops herself at the last second, remembering that she’s supposed to be nothing to Byulyi after all this, not even a psychiatrist. She fakes a chuckle to cover up that she’s tearing up, “I didn’t expect you to move.”

Byulyi wipes her tears away with her sleeve, and gives her a heartbroken smile. “Yeah? It’s just… I don’t know, it just feels right.” Her stare gets heavy with hidden meanings, “I don’t have anything that links me to this city anymore.”

Yongsun gulps in a grim understanding. “Okay then, Moon Byulyi, take care. I hope to meet you again in this life.”

“You too, Yongsun… Yongsun unnie.” Byulyi shyly responds, “In this life or another.”


	9. Epilogue: Collision

The calm aura surrounding the coffee shop breaks for a moment with the boss’ scolding tone just as the only two remaining customers stand up from their table, leaving the two of them alone. 

“Wheein-ah, you can’t put the sugar so close to the oven, it’s going to melt.”

The barista frowns as she wipes her wet hands on her apron. “Sorry, Byulyi unnie. We were really busy today.”

Byulyi lifts her head up to scan the empty shop, and then shoots Wheein another look, eyebrows slightly furrowed. Her face falls when she spots the younger’s mischievous expression.

“Very funny,” Byulyi grumbles in disbelief, questioning if she’s playing her role as a boss well, “Is Hyejin back yet?”

“Nah, there was a long line probably.” Wheein explains while distractedly checking her watch, she must be thinking that she can squeeze a little complaint into her words, “We should’ve ordered in, unnie.”

Byulyi sighs at her employee’s words, somewhat worried about her other employee’s absence. “She’s going to get drenched, look at the clouds.”

Wheein shrugs as if to say,  _ that’s your business, you are the one who sent her out _ . But in a matter of seconds, her face freezes and then an exaggerated pout forms on her face. “Aw, man, our burgers are going to be wet."

Grimacing upon the thought of soggy bread, Byulyi shakes her head to signal Wheein that it’s time to stop talking. Instead she walks over to the behind of the bar stool next to Wheein, rolling her shirt sleeves up. The giggle she hears from her side makes her turn to look at Wheein who is now grinning up at her. 

“You are doing it on purpose right?” She jokes, rolling her eyes in a non approving matter, “To win the hearts of the ladies.”

Byulyi shoots finger guns at her with a clicking sound, looking so much more content than before. She winks before bragging, “And I succeed every time.”

Wheein discreetly groans, shaking her head at her boss. “Seriously? You’ve been single for like, forever.”

Ignoring the stinging feeling in her chest, she pokes Wheein’s cheek. “Ah, don’t say that. I dated that girl, Seulgi, just a year ago.”

“Going out three times doesn’t count as dating, unnie.” Wheein states, and then squints her eyes, directing a suspicious look at Byulyi, “Did you perhaps have a girlfriend in the countryside?”

Byulyi purses her lips in a pout, defeated. She’s glad she had found Wheein, who came as a pair with Hyejin, the two are good friends to her, despite their sometimes overbearing curiosity about Byulyi’s old life. It’s not like Byulyi is ashamed, she just avoids talking about the topic because she knows it would hurt so much to talk about it. Not because she’s having trouble recalling her agonizing healing process but also because she can’t stop looking for Yongsun in every person she meets even after the years that had passed. 

Byulyi decides to play it safe by snorting “No, I didn’t live in the countryside for that long.”

Memories start to dance in her mind as nostalgia fills her thoughts. It was a nice experience while it lasted, and Byulyi’s sure nothing else would have helped her to get better more steadily. Yet, she had realized back then, that that life wasn’t quite for her.

“Yet you can’t stop talking about it.” Hyejin suddenly appears in front of the counter, neither of them noticing because of their light hearted banter. Both pair of eyes turn to her, expecting her to be fully drenched in the rain. When Byulyi is assured that she’s not, she turns to look outside, towards the grey sky and sees that the heavy droplets have already started falling.

“Hyejinie,” Wheein starts, inspecting her appearance, she doesn’t even have a strand of hair out of place, her makeup perfect as always, “How are you not wet?”

“I had an umbrella.” Hyejin says, shaking the object in front of their faces and making water splash at their direction, “Why would I go out without one in this weather?”

The pair behind the counter nod in synchronization for a second, with matched sounds of understanding. 

“Anyway, let’s close the shop so that we can eat.” Wheein suggests fairly which Byulyi agrees immediately since her stomach is grumbling rebelliously.

As the rain droplets wash over the city’s filth away, they close the doors and settle on their favorite table beside the window. Byul sighs contently as she unwraps her food, mentally checking again if she had took her medicine. She feels fine. Not happy maybe, but fine nevertheless. That is more than she hoped for a few years back. 

Three years may have passed since she last heard of her healer, her sun but she recalls her face so fresh, like they had seen each other minutes ago. She remembers clearly on sunny days that her blonde locks shined with the rays sneaking into the room to brighten their atmosphere, then on rainy days, her mind sends her back to that moment where the rain droplets on the window reflected onto her face…

Her love oozes of memories everyday, her wound never healing with each thing making the girl remember Kim Yongsun. Why does life do this to her? She has no idea. 

“Unnie?” She hears Wheein call to her, her voice fades into her mind. She must have spaced out. “I said, do you want some mustard?” 

“Ah, no thanks. I like my fries not-ruined.” She answers with a cheeky smile. 

“Go ahead and eat your plain fries then, loser.” Shoots back Wheein, slightly annoyed. 

“Language. I’m still your boss and your elder.”

“Fine. Loser-nim.” Says Wheein, bowing for her mockingly. As the two get a good laugh out of this hilarity, Byulyi slips back into her thoughts. She should just focus on the moment as her current therapist recommends but her mind is like an unruly three year old child, only doing the thing it wants, whenever it wants it. 

Yongsun. She sighs again. She has to let go but her hands are numb and persistent around the rope that ties her to Yongsun. 

She sees her employees roll their eyes at her once again from the corner of her eye, as they resume talking about this guy that keeps bothering Hyejin. 

“He’s such a leech! I mean he likes to act tough and all, but I’ve seen what is being with him once and I don’t want to babysit again, y’know?” Hyejin says, dipping a single fry in ketchup, her nails preventing her from coating it fully. 

“Like, I don’t know why you’re still not blocking him. He’s such a rude person. Remember what he said to me, like a day after your date?” Says Wheein, wiping ranch sauce from her lips. 

“I know but blocking someone seems rude… I don’t know.” Hyejin replies, blushing under the judging gaze of Wheein. “What do you think, unnie?” 

“Huh?” Byulyi asks, re-entering their reality. All the things they said sets in her mind after a second and she replies. “Yeah, block him. He is a fuckboy.” 

“Unnie!” They both say in unison and giggle. “Why do you know that word?” 

“I’m 31, not 90…” She says, her voice sounds done with the youngsters. They had been acting like she’s their ancestor ever since they met. 

“Yeah but you’re… you. That’s like at least 50.” Wheein says, earning herself a whack to the head. 

“Wheein-ah!” Says Byul angrily, yet she fails to hide the smile tugging at her lips. 

Hyejin interrupts them, which Byulyi thinks she is doing it to save Wheein from further trouble if she opens her mouth again. “Unnie, are we doing the concert night thing, next week? If so, I’ll have to speak to the photocopy center guy and print some posters.” 

As they dive deeper into the details of the event, Byulyi feels herself become more real. She is not the person who was crying on the floor of her own clinic those years ago and she is certainly not the mess in that hospital room. She is a business owner in a suburban area of Seoul, living a lonely yet content life. She is herself. She has cut all the ties to the past, well,  _ nearly _ all. 

“I would like it if other people performed too…” Byulyi says, looking at her dongsaengs expectantly. “Only if I knew two talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing woman that could sing.”

An over the top sigh, breaks the two younger girls and they give up to her manipulations. “Fine, we’ll sing with you.” 

“Oh, you misunderstood. I was talking about Heeyeon and Solji but if you guys want to do this so much…” She mocks them, getting up to open the doors to customers once again. 

 

* * *

 

 

Yongsun wipes sweat of her burrow as she empties the last of her personal boxes in her room. She finishes putting her journals on to the shelf, the year that is missing is painfully obvious. Maybe she should just put an empty notebook there to cover up her shame and longing. 

She shakes her head no to answer herself, she can’t act as if  _ she _ didn’t happen. She doesn’t want to act like that, she’s still keeping the burned notebook open in her mind with the empty hopes of reuniting with  _ her _ . 

She shakes herself free from the spiral of thoughts that lead to the despair pool of  _ her _ , she has to focus on the moment, that’s what she and Yoongi agreed on when she started sessions with him to get over  _ her _ . 

Yongsun flops down onto her chair and opens her laptop, just to occupy her mind. She checks her e-mail for the nth time that day, confirming once again that she will be starting her new job at the Seoul National University Hospital as the head assistant of the Psychiatry department, a position which surprised her considering the issue with  _ her _ . 

She would also teach a class which wrecks her nerves even though she never had an issue with public speaking before. What if they  _ knew _ ? What if they asked things about  _ her _ ? 

She knows that is impossible but she still can’t help herself feel paranoid. She really needs to get herself together but she destroyed the chance of that happening when she gave Byulyi a piece of her soul. At best she is left with an incomplete puzzle of self. 

She grabs her phone to distract herself further. 

 

> To: Yoongi-yah

Distract me pls :(

>From: Yoongi-yah

Hoseok just slid and fell face first into a pond. 

 

Yongsun laughs out loud as pictures load on her screen, a blurry picture of Hoseok falling, him soaked and pissed and then another blurry picture of Yoongi laughing and running away from an angry, wet Hoseok. 

 

>From: Yoongi-yah

I *might* have pushed him

 

Yongsun laughs once again, sending a reply back. She is thankful for her friends. When everything seem to pull her downwards into a dark hole that leads to the void, they are there with a life-saving rope to pull her back. 

 

>From: Yoongi-yah

Btw why don’t you find some event to go to, rather than staying in your tiny Seoul house and brood? 

Go live

Be the youth you are

Sorry autocorrect

*post-youth

 

After 10 minutes of useless bickering over messages, Yongsun decides to listen to her therapist. Maybe she can grab a book and go to a coffee house near her house? She needs to become familiar with the area anyways. 

After a quick Naver search, she finds the closest coffee house near her, a mere 5 minute walk from her apartment. Maybe she’ll meet some people there. 

She needs to socialize.

Upon entering the site of the coffee house, she sees that they are having an open mic singing night, starring the owner of the cafe and the employees as the opening show. She smiles as she closes her laptop to get dressed. 

Her short brown hair brushes against her shoulders as she picks something to wear, a white shirt with a mustard sweater and jeans, complete with her old brown faux-leather jacket that she just can’t let go. 

She grabs the book next in line for her to read from her bookshelf and heads outside. The weather makes her shiver the whole way and she can’t find enough warmth until she settles into a comfy chair at the back of the coffee house. As soon as she sits, a short girl with dimples comes to her with a menu.

Yongsun takes it but even without reading she orders an Americano. She needs to warm up. 

“Oh, and by the way, when is the show going to start?” She asks the girl with curiosity. 

“My boss was tuning her guitar in the break room so, I think about five minutes.” She answers, writing down her order. “I will be right back with your order.” 

Yongsun smiles up at the girl and then takes out her headphones to watch something that Joohyun sent her. 

When the video ends with a unexpected twist, she texts her back with a bunch of shocked emojis and lifts her head up to see the reason of the applause happening around her. 

As if the universe was mocking yet gifting Yongsun, her eyes settle on a familiar figure. A person so engraved in her mind that when she thinks of nothing,  _ she _ is still there in the corner of her consciousness. 

Moon Byulyi is sitting on a bar stool in front of the counter with a mic in front of her. Her guitar is resting on her thighs as she grabs the mic and starts to talk. 

Yongsun didn’t think that she could miss someone’s voice. But she did. She really did. 

The girl in question might look different physically but it doesn’t change the fact that she is still Moon Byulyi. She now has dark blue hair that comes down in waves, and some meat on her bones. Her outfit is something other than a hospital gown and the bags under her eyes are replaced with small touches of make-up. But she is still her Moon Byulyi. 

“Hello everyone! First of all thank you all for coming to our first singing night that we hope to continue in the future. I’m the owner of this café, Moon Byulyi and I welcome you to an evening of relaxation and music.”

Byulyi smiles towards the crowd with her usual genuineness and her fingers start gliding across the strings. 

 

_ In my room _ _   
_ _ Every day I see your smile _ _   
_ _ I feel like I’m hovering around the same place _ _   
_ _ How I smiled _ _   
_ _ Sometimes I don’t remember _ _   
_ _ I’m jealous of your happiness today, too _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Let me see you (You look great when you smile) _ _   
_ __ Let me feel you

 

Their eyes meet across the café and somewhere in the universe, two stars collide.


	10. Epilogue Chapter : Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, we kept you waiting for too long, we're sorry. since a lot of people asked for an epilogue here it is, it's short but sweet, enjoy <3

Byulyi feels her hands get heavier on her guitar as her eyes refuse to leave the figure sitting way back, she is losing her rhythm. Yet she shakes her head, treating _her_ as if she isn’t real, something that will disappear when she takes another one of her pills, at least until her performance ends.

She manages to finish the song, refusing to look up at the crowd, fearing that _she_ would be gone. She glides her hands on the strings one last time and polite applause fills the room, forcing Byulyi to look up, bow slightly and smile. She’s still there.

Something in Byulyi’s heart jumps a bit when she notices how little Yongsun changed, she still feels as if she just got out of her office with a reality check rejection.

Byulyi leans into the mic, her words escape her mouth but she isn’t even sure what she said. She leans her guitar to the wall behind her, her steps vaguely pointing at Yongsun. She faintly hears Wheein say a few words to the mic, accompanied by an awkward laugh, but she can’t bring herself to care at the moment.

She reaches her table, not sure what to do.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

It’s awkward but Byulyi couldn’t care less.

“So, we did meet in this life once again.” She says, feeling breathless for a second. Her mental image did not do justice to Yongsun’s beauty. “Fate is a strange thing.”

“Yes. Yes, it is.” Yongsun says, her voice barely a whisper. Wheein’s voice fills the background with honey as they stare into each other's eyes, trying desperately to reconnect without any words. “Why don’t you take a seat?”

Byulyi sits down in front of her, watching her sip her coffee. It has been a long time, too long if Byulyi has to be honest.

“How have you been?” Byulyi asks, wanting to make conversation like a functional person, she has an unexplainable urge to prove herself to Yongsun. Prove to her that she isn’t just Moon Byulyi she had as a patient, there is more to her.

“Fine, just moved here. Got a new job, gonna teach youngsters.” Yongsun says with a small smile, corners of her lips curling slightly. “I see you made it big, owning a cafe in Seoul seems cool.”

“I make a living, I guess. There are still some stuff missing in my life but I’m not doing so bad.” She says looking at her intently. Byulyi gestures to the chair she’s currently sitting on. “Oh, by the way, was this seat taken, are you waiting for your date or…?”

She regrets her words as they leave her mouth, Yongsun giggles at her. “Wow, that was _so_ smooth.” She says smirking. “No, I’m not dating anyone currently.”

Byulyi can’t stop herself from smiling from ear to ear. “Would you want to?”

Yongsun leans back in her chair as she averts her gaze, blushing. “Who am I to reject fate?”

In that moment applause fills the room and Wheein steps off the stage, walking towards her with a concerned smile.

“Is something wrong, Wheein-ah?” She asks when the younger reaches her side.

“Yeah! Why did you stop after one song when you were supposed to sing three and why are you sitting way back here when Hyejin is struggling with the coffee orders?” Wheein says, her voice snappy.

“Don’t be so rude, I have a special guest here,” Byulyi says with a tight smile, gesturing to the woman across from her.

Wheein looks over at Yongsun, her eyebrow knitted. “Where are they? Did they go to the restroom?”

Byulyi raises her eyebrows, “She’s right there, what are you playing at?” When she turns to Yongsun to apologize for Wheein’s inexplicable behavior, her breath gets caught in her throat, she isn’t there.

Byulyi looks around to see where she disappeared to when she hears a voice right beside her ear, causing goosebumps all over her body. “Did you miss me, unnie?” Hands slide around her shoulders.

“Junghee.” She whispers. “What did you do to her?”

“Who? Yongsun?” Junghee asks, voice seeping into her mind like a custom made poison. “I _am_ her, I made it all up.”

Byulyi shakes her head in disbelief, it can’t be real. Wheein looks scared, looking at her mumble to herself with terror in her eyes.

“You should’ve seen your face, unnie.” Junghee says laughing out loud. “You really believed she was real, as if anyone would really love you.”

Byulyi gets up abruptly as if to shake Junghee off of her and run away. But Junghee appears before her smirking. “I don’t think running away would work.”

Junghee’s eyebrows twitch for a second and she looks over Byulyi’s shoulder. “You! What the hell are you looking at?” She says, voice loud and frustrated. “I’m speaking to you, the one reading this. Who the hell are you?”

You open your mouth and only four words manage to escape it, otherwise, your body is frozen in fear.

“Happy April Fools' Day”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry 
> 
> you can scream at us on [twt](https://twitter.com/buzukiff) or [cc!](https://curiouscat.me/buzukiff)


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